Workaholics - Escaping The Narcissist at Home

Workaholism is not to be worn like some red badge of courage.  Workaholism can't replace intimacy, connection, not feeling your feelings and will definitely kill you if you don't slow down.  The Good Lord and Universe will also stop you in your tracks if you are not listening and leaning into your avoidance.  Yup, said what I said...

Are you one of those guys who stays late all the time at the office.  Or do you burn the candle at both ends and own your own business.   It's sad because workaholism has a form of acceptance in this world.  Everyone can say to you, "Wow you are such a hard worker and we love how you work so hard to provide for your family."

But hold on a second!  I'm calling you out!  You're an addict! It's not beer, it's not crack, it's no cocaine.  Your addiction is WORK!

Addiction is defined as anything that you "do" that masks your feelings and avoids real issues.  I don't care if you used red string to cope with your problems, you are still an addict.   You just use work.

I can hear you say it, "I know, I work too hard."  Those meals left on the table, you missed you kids sports, band, plays, practice, and their first steps.  Even though it may have been caught on film. Because you can claim that you are "busy providing for your family."

So what's the real issue here friend?  Are you afraid, hurt, tired, lonely, anxious or all the above.  What is the real reason why you don't want to spend time away from "all the doing and running around going on?"

Do you know who you are?  Let's jump into this alittle deeper.  Men identify who they are with what they do.  Their salaries and sense of provision is reinforcement to work harder.  Those rewards are tangible and bring benefit to themselves (and perhaps a family). 

You may also feel guilty when you are not working.  And for men over 55 facing retirement, they have no idea how to slow down so they work harder to gain those rewards they understand the most. Even poor self esteem can trigger workaholism.  However, the underlying cause of all these triggers ARE YOUR FEELINGS that have been ignored paired with an insecurity that keeps your working and avoiding who you are.

Did you know that you can work less than a 40 hour work week and still be a workaholic?  That's right!  If you are done for the say and still rumunerate constantly about what you need to do at work and avoid the moment, you might be a workaholic.

Workaholism can be driven by perfectionism, low self esteem, obsessive personality behaviors and even can be genetic.

Dang it! Busted you didn't I?    Now what?  You're getting ready to "retire" or you are physically just not able to do the job you once did.

This is a huge adjustment if you have had a slavish devotion to providing your whole life.  You have put your work devotion in place to avoid your feelings.

Can you imagine not doing anything all day and figuring out what's next without having to "work" on something.  Sitting still to feel what is on your heart instead of what is on your mind?

I know you dread going home to someone who is a hell raiser and you avoid going home like the plague. Your house should be a sanctuary from the world, not a war zone where you have to dodge emotionally abusive bullets.  

Your addiction is borne out of a need for self protection.  Many are! And even though addiction is all about avoiding your problems by using work as a coping mechanism, it doesn't have to be that way.

As we dig deeper into finding your way back from Narcissistic Abuse there are certainly ways to help you dodge the proverbial bullets and keep peace at home while you are still under the same roof with your narcissist.

Up Next...  One Shade of Gray:  The Uninteresting Rock!

Inside Your Head: Overthinking the Reality

Life is a party inside your head, isn't it?  And when given the chance, it's as though all your thoughts are like a large masquerade ball showing up to entertain each other.  There are the band of angels in the corner taking up space in Your Head that tell you all the positive, romantic, lovely beautiful things and in the other corner of Your Head are the naysayers leering at the Angels in the other corner.  One part of your head had a band of gypsys running wild and your head is no longer a safe place to practice solitude... 

In the past if Your Head has decided to stray like that... the way that you most likely fixed it is to listen pair up with avoidance and work more.

Imagine this like a big giant banquet hall.  Every feeling and emotion is wearing a costume and your memories are the one hosting the ball.  What does that look like for you.  

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Where does loneliness come from? 

I want you to get up with this book and walk into the bathroom.  I want you to look in the mirror.  What do you see?  Do you see where you missed a spot shaving this morning?  Do you see wrinkles and the signs of age.

Well, you actually did miss a spot --- Right there....now get alittle closer to it... lean in.  The spot you missed is in your eyes.

I've watched men shave their whole lives...looking in the mirror at themselves in a perfunctory manner.  Morning routines and "go mode" trying to get out the door to chase that money and provide.

But the spot that you missed is yourself.  Seriously.. GET UP and go look into the mirror...look into your own eyes.  What do you see?

Male Loneliness - The Ticking Time Bomb

Chapter 1 - Loneliness & Purpose

By now you have lived enough and have had enough life experiences to understand what life is all about.   In the reverse, you understand what you don't like, don't want to do, what you are good at doing and the like. 

However, here's the thing... loneliness creeps in.  The association between loneliness in men and their purpose in life is substantially higher than women of the same age.  Women between 55-65 form relationships and are more social than men.    Purpose and loneliness are intricately tied together.  Even though being by yourself has positive connotations,  loneliness is a different creature all together. Statistically the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) shows studies that men don't exactly know how to mitigate loneliness.

But what exactly is loneliness? Loneliness is defined as "an aversive emotional state, experienced subjectivity and related to a perceived deficiency in one's social or emotional relationships" (La Grow, Neville, Alpass, & Rodgers, 2012, p. 121).

In addition, loneliness goes beyond that for men in this age bracket.  At the very basis of human existence is to have experiences that foster deep connection.  Most men in their households having been married for decades rely on their wives to be the social butterfly and are willingly (and sometimes unwillingly) drug by the toes out of the house to be social with others.    Her way of creating connection allows him to ride on her positive coat-tails of positive and deeper meaning connection.

For single and never married men, they are more self reliant with social circles.  But those social circles start to decrease as the risk of losing close friends starts to grow.  

From personal experience, in one year, nine men who were tight all their lives (half were married and half were never married and were between the ages of 55-70) passed away out of a close group of 30 that ran together for 40 years.  NINE out of  30.   We were attending funerals once a month for a year.  The wake of devastation for these men in this age group created a vibe of "Am I next?"  "Why wasn't it me?"   And their feelings were substantial of "I don't have much time left."  Then the number grew to 24!   All these individuals had various degrees of closeness. Those individuals who considered themselves a part of the family right down to  those who played pool together once a week.  One of the men in this social circles was so devastated that he became suicidal from grief that spurned loneliness and hopelessness.   

For any self reflecting bloke a natural turn of events will most likely occur.  Out of adversity and loss comes purpose.  At least for a little while.  These guys committed to a "not gonna be me" attitude were inspired to do better for a short spell of their lives.  And it doesn't matter if that inspiration is a short lived or lasts the rest of their lives.  The bottom line is this..... Loneliness cannot occur in space of inspiration where fostering connection and camaraderie occur.    Of course, arguably, that "might" happen if the relationships that are left over are toxic (and I'll address toxic marriage and Gray-Divorce later in this book).  

I ask you to have that sink in. Loneliness cannot occur in the space of inspiration where fostering connection and camraderie occur.  

Where does loneliness come from? 

I want you to get up with this book and walk into the bathroom.  I want you to look in the mirror.  What do you see?  Do you see where you missed a spot shaving this morning?  Do you see wrinkles and the signs of age.

Well, you actually did miss a spot --- Right there....now get alittle closer to it... lean in.  The spot you missed is in your eyes.

I've watched men shave their whole lives...looking in the mirror at themselves in a perfunctory manner.  Morning routines and "go mode" trying to get out the door to chase that money and provide.

But the spot that you missed is yourself.  Seriously.. GET UP and go look into the mirror...look into your own eyes.  What do you see?