Last night I watched Dateline about a young wife murdered by her husband in a classic domestic violence case.. She protected her abuser and wouldn’t turn him in after he would choke her, strangle her, hit her, beat her and leave bruises on her. Subsequently, this woman would process the abuse with her friends. Her friends would encourage her to leave. However, whenever she would attempt to leave.. her abusive husband would threaten violence and coerce her back into the relationship and torture.
What does domestic violence have to do with Narcissism and finding your way back to yourself? Quite a bit actually. As a bastion against domestic violence, I will fight until my last breath to protect those who have been targets of physical violence, narcissism, emotional rape & coercive control.
I promise to give legs to their stories in hopes to help even just one person. This chapter is in support of all men out there who are terrified, lost and married to the worst kind of evil human being. Usually I am not judgmental about anyone and can love anyone and hate their behavior. These lady-creatures of evil are as evil as a child molester who perpetrates sexual abuse on a child and I will not stand for it...because I have been on the other side of narcissistic abuse and broke free of it! I did six years with a narcissist and his narcissistic abuse. I understand you men finding your way are fighting for your lives and doing "hard time" with an emotional criminal who takes all your joy away and sucks you into the black hole of toxicity..and you feel like you can't break free.
This is not your run of the mill person you are dealing with here! Takes years and years of "figuring it out" until one day, you understand that you are living with a pathological narcissist. You realize that after decades of no accountability on their side of the relationship, it’s time for you to find your path to peace.
An Aging woman narcissist over the age of 50 is complex, complicated troublesome and sometimes lethally dangerous. You– along with many others —were the supply chain and supply house for narcissistic supply. Narcs don't see others as "people". They see people (you) as objects and are used as such. They are emotional sadists at their very core. They have a "nose" to seek out and use people to gain their supply. They have such self-loathing, a lack of self-confidence and purpose for their own lives, inability to connect to themselves to feel self love that they STEAL IT FROM YOU and others..and it's an infinite chase for them. If they don’t get the supply they feel like literally will die. But what is the worst about them.... on the outside they appear to have their shit together more than anyone in a room. They are the vampire before the break of dawn.
In the most simple way stated, narcissists were created via favoritism and depravity in childhood. Pardon my french here but it 'fucks up' their ability to love themselves and others in a balanced fashion. They are either being favored or vanquished; loved or hated. Parental Depravity can also include lack of food, shelter and the essentials for survival (stemming from financial poverty or by intentional wickedness and withholding). In childhood, narcissists were rejected by those they trusted for basic needs but instead were handed deprivation. This combination is lethal in creating narcissistic behaviors. Imagine… a daily dose of getting the rug yanked out from under you then the parent lends you a hand to help you up— to do that all over again. Just like Lucy in the Peanuts Cartoon holding the football for Charlie Brown. The narcissist learns that the hand that feeds them will bite them (emotionally and even sometimes in the literal sense).
A brief story and example here. He was his mom's favorite. She sold him for adoption on the black market when he was 10 to a wealthy family in a suburb of Illinois. In later years she told him that she did it, "for his own sake". She bought him back three years later. This is not in the Victorian age either. This was in the 1960's. Depravity and Love.. created the cycle of abuse that created this narcissist.
She slept in a tent... but was her dad's favorite. While he abused the other kids with a belt in the corner, he didn’t beat her. He told her, "you're my favorite, so you only have to watch."
WTF, right?
Parental favoritism keeps emotional control over children. But at the same time twists the meaning of a secure attachment. The child continuously craves to be in parental good graces to avoid the depravity and VOILA... the need for Narc Supply is born. The mindset becomes…. “If I am a good girl/boy all the time, I will stay the favorite”. They learn how to manipulate the circumstances to get what they need…and fake it until they make it. This continues and spills over into every relationship going further.
If a parent depraves their child of healthy attachments that create emotional balance or the depravity is from essential needs (like food shelter and basic needs), this "connection style" will create a narcissist in adulthood. The extent in which Favoritism and Depravity is experienced by a child will be the extent that the roots of Narcissism grow.
Internalizing a Narcissist's M.O. is the hardest challenge. They are all about getting their narcissistic supply. Every single solitary response that comes out of their mouth is either a pre-meditated prompt or subconscious utterance to gain narcissistic supply.
If you ask a full blown narcissist questions.. their answer is all about how you can satisfy the supply. For instance if you ask your narcissist to go to the store.. their answer is 100% predicated upon how that will EDIFY their soul, how it will make them look in public and whether or not You will be fulfilling the toxic need for supply they are addicted to in order to survive in the world.
Let me backup for a second.. and define more succinctly.. What is narcissistic supply? It's worse than any addiction to alcohol, drugs or what not (and those are tragic enough). Narcissistic Supply is a PSYCHOLOGICAL addiction to getting their deep seated needs met through emotional support. Their desire is never ending for supply.
Understanding Narcissism comes with some caveats. There are full blown psychopathological narcissists. However, I agree with Dr. Craig Malkin in his book titled "Rethinking Narcissism" that Narcissism is on a sliding scale (based on 1 to 10...and 10 being a psychopath). Most people will go through various degrees of self importance in their lives. If you are a "five" on Malkin's scale, that is a pretty average number for a balanced confident person. Sometimes when you may feel proud of yourself... you may surpass that and "sit" as a 6". Coming up into the range of 7 and 8: that level starts to really show some psychopathology. If you are a 9... or even worse --a 10.. then you have a full blown case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder according to the scale. And people who interact with the 9's and 10's of this world need to run like their hair is on fire.
Now back to supply. The complexity of women narcissists over the age of 60 runs deep. Women who have "found their voice", have a "take no prisoners attitude" and have developed a take no bullshit approach to life are the worst on the supply scale. The entitlement that comes with age is natural. Most people as they age want peace in their lives and learn how to avoid 'drama', stay in a neutral zone to seek peace, happiness and understanding.
However, the aging woman narcissist who is perpetually connecting in a backward way to everyone she interacts with creates a black hole of narcissistic pattern that needs to be avoided. If you get sucked into her "black hole" and Pathology --- watch out... Do you know what happens when a person takes a flying leap into a black hole? If you leapt in an attempt to find out, your body would be subjected to such a gravity force that it would compress you from head to toe while stretching you at the same time. The scientific word for that is called spaghettification (seriously, it really is). And the last time I checked most people don't want to be "spaghetti" of any kind! HA! The narcissistic pattern is the same where it can emotionally turn you in a mass of spaghetti. An aging narc women who sits above level 8 on the scale has such great entitlement in a toxic way that their need for narc supply is like a dangerous black hole (a nefarious bottomless pit of space - which you need to avoid).
Why does supply become more important as the woman narcissist ages? With good reason, their resources are dwindling for job opportunities, their looks are fading and they are no longer able to attract the supply they once experienced. If they are mothers, her kids were a source of constant supply and with them GONE and out of the house, THAT supply is lost. If they are retired from their own career; Their CAREER SUPPLY is lost.
And where does that leave you dear husbands of aging narcs? YOU ARE THE ONLY SOURCE of supply that is left. Your Aging Narcissistic Wife will never be done with you because you are her ONLY SOURCE left. And sadly, that makes her dangerous to leave. Sometimes to the point of violence and coercive control at the very minimum. The stats are there to prove that. They will be furious because they are not done yet.
I won't go into why you have stayed so long in this kind of abusive relationship. But I will say that the narcissistic reaction and you being the main supply for your narc is not your fault. Not ever, has never been and never will be.
First, I wanna get one thing straight with you guys out there. I don't care what you have done in your marriage or the mistakes you have made. I don't care if you have been unfaithful, a liar, left the toilet seat up one too many times... you have never deserved to be the target of narcisstic abuse. Just because you may have done some pretty wild things to betray your marriage doesn't mean you ever deserve abuse. Reactive abuse is a real thing which you can read about in my book 'Love Masqueraded' on Amazon. So I will save that for a later date.
Anyway, healthy conflict resolution regardless of what has happened does not step into the arena of ABUSIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTION. Ever. Has she laid hands on you in reaction to something you did? Has she full on body tackled you in reaction to she didn't like?
The last time I checked and I had to solve conflict with my guy, we talked it out in loving compassion and empathy to come to a solution. Now you might say, "C'mon Megan, was it really that peaceful?" Hell yes, it always was. I didn't have to hit him, name call him and the biggest thing that Narcissists do... NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE and everything is always YOUR FAULT.
So you have come this far. Are you still hanging with me here. So How DO you divorce the silver haired narcissist standing in your kitchen screaming at you again (that's a line from a Tori Amos Song by the way).
It's tricky and takes courage...and lastly you cannot do it alone. Most individuals who pontificate about leaving Narc's and are qualified to do so aren't trying to scare you with how these Aging Women Narcs will be. They want to warn you and help you understand that there is only ONE WAY out and only ONE WAY of doing it that will break you free. You aren't going to like it.
But the last thing you want in your life is the craving to have your Narcissistic Evil Wife to LIKE YOU before you go. And your desire to be accepted by your Narc is toxic to your well being. If you want to be liked by your Narcissist. NO ONE IN THE WORLD will ever help you break free from her.. you might as well resign yourself to a life of abuse and settle in for a long haul of further Narcissistic abuse until you die of such personal depravity you may take your own life (which does happen).
However, if you are serious and you want to stop the abuse and break free .. here is how you have to do it. And that will be my next Chapter titled Chapter 6: Get Your Shit Together and Make a Plan!