Chapter 1 - Loneliness & Purpose
By now you have lived enough and have had enough life experiences to understand what life is all about. In the reverse, you understand what you don't like, don't want to do, what you are good at doing and the like.
However, here's the thing... loneliness creeps in. The association between loneliness in men and their purpose in life is substantially higher than women of the same age. Women between 55-65 form relationships and are more social than men. Purpose and loneliness are intricately tied together. Even though being by yourself has positive connotations, loneliness is a different creature all together. Statistically the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) shows studies that men don't exactly know how to mitigate loneliness.
But what exactly is loneliness? Loneliness is defined as "an aversive emotional state, experienced subjectivity and related to a perceived deficiency in one's social or emotional relationships" (La Grow, Neville, Alpass, & Rodgers, 2012, p. 121).
In addition, loneliness goes beyond that for men in this age bracket. At the very basis of human existence is to have experiences that foster deep connection. Most men in their households having been married for decades rely on their wives to be the social butterfly and are willingly (and sometimes unwillingly) drug by the toes out of the house to be social with others. Her way of creating connection allows him to ride on her positive coat-tails of positive and deeper meaning connection.
For single and never married men, they are more self reliant with social circles. But those social circles start to decrease as the risk of losing close friends starts to grow.
From personal experience, in one year, nine men who were tight all their lives (half were married and half were never married and were between the ages of 55-70) passed away out of a close group of 30 that ran together for 40 years. NINE out of 30. We were attending funerals once a month for a year. The wake of devastation for these men in this age group created a vibe of "Am I next?" "Why wasn't it me?" And their feelings were substantial of "I don't have much time left." Then the number grew to 24! All these individuals had various degrees of closeness. Those individuals who considered themselves a part of the family right down to those who played pool together once a week. One of the men in this social circles was so devastated that he became suicidal from grief that spurned loneliness and hopelessness.
For any self reflecting bloke a natural turn of events will most likely occur. Out of adversity and loss comes purpose. At least for a little while. These guys committed to a "not gonna be me" attitude were inspired to do better for a short spell of their lives. And it doesn't matter if that inspiration is a short lived or lasts the rest of their lives. The bottom line is this..... Loneliness cannot occur in space of inspiration where fostering connection and camaraderie occur. Of course, arguably, that "might" happen if the relationships that are left over are toxic (and I'll address toxic marriage and Gray-Divorce later in this book).
I ask you to have that sink in. Loneliness cannot occur in the space of inspiration where fostering connection and camraderie occur.
Where does loneliness come from?
I want you to get up with this book and walk into the bathroom. I want you to look in the mirror. What do you see? Do you see where you missed a spot shaving this morning? Do you see wrinkles and the signs of age.
Well, you actually did miss a spot --- Right there....now get alittle closer to it... lean in. The spot you missed is in your eyes.
I've watched men shave their whole lives...looking in the mirror at themselves in a perfunctory manner. Morning routines and "go mode" trying to get out the door to chase that money and provide.
But the spot that you missed is yourself. Seriously.. GET UP and go look into the mirror...look into your own eyes. What do you see?