Narcissistic Abuse: The Hangover

Feel like you drank too much lately? If you know how bad a hangover feels, then you know what I am talking about! Leaving a Narcissist that is pathological on the spectrum will leave you hungover, lost, confused, most likely wicked pissed off and seriously profoundly sad. 

 I don’t blame you for still loving them either. 

 When the relationship finally ends - there is going to be an emotional fall-out. The longer the relationship you had with your Narcissist, the worse it will be. Getting hung up in the memories made and the time involved is normal. Memories and the time you had with this person is not what has defined your relationship. Those are secondary to the abuse that you suffered. Somehow, while we are in the midst of trying to leave, we think differently. You can keep the memories… and do so FAR away from the narcissist who you left. The time spent, 10, 20, 30 years.. You will, and I promise you, eventually wonder: “How the hell did I stay for so long and why didn’t I leave sooner?”

 
Remember, every single thing that comes out of your mouth was “supply” to them. I will probably say this a thousand times and then a million more. Everything you did together, the memories you made, the time you spent and even the love you shared was a twisted way for the Narcissist to get their fix for their addiction by garnering your love and support.

 
Profound sadness is the first emotion that will really take root. In codependency, deep sadness on top of the usual grief that comes as the end of a relationship will be magnified. You don’t want to lose this person, but yet for your own sanity you have to leave. It’s hard for your heart to catch up to what you know is good for you. Sadness can grip you quite tightly and trigger emotions of deep grief. Feel those feelings out loud with those who truly have your best interests at heart. Your narcissist will continue to try and “hoover” you back into the relationship and console you. Don’t be fooled. If you have been isolated and have nowhere to turn, turn to a counselor if you can. If you can’t afford a counselor, then join the millions of groups out there online that will help you through it. Those are free.

 
I promise you even though you may feel like you are completely alone in this process, you’re not.
Also at the end of this relationship a secondary emotion is wicked pissed off anger to the point of Rage.
After I left my narcissist, I had intense rage and anger. During the relationship I could see it build. The hidden rage and anger turned me into someone who was short with people, unhappy and unpleasant to be around at times. In hindsight, and right now, please understand that this anger and rage is displaced. It’s because you have hidden and choked down your feelings for so long that anger and rage is a by-product of being emotionally manipulated and invalidated for so long.

 
Perhaps you are past the anger stage to the point where you are numb. You still care about your narcissist but you’re so numb that you have forgotten how to feel your feelings. Having had years of manipulation and gaslighting, you may isolate yourself which can make depression and sadness worse.

 
Who can blame you? You don’t want to get hurt again! I know you want to try and not to feel so out of place. Sometimes you want everyone to go away because you don’t trust them. Hiding out never hurts you but hiding out from being social forever isn’t good for you either. Find a balance and force yourself to be social in situations that you feel are emotionally safe for you.

PTSD also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will be complex when dealing with an emotional hangover from abuse. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined myself as an accomplished domestic violence counselor experiencing PTSD. I knew about it theoretically but didn’t understand completely until I LIVED it in the aftermath of the abuse. By the way, one of these posts, I will talk about the ex narcissist in my life and how I had a relationship with one (catching me off guard).

Anyway, I was so “not myself” that the PTSD that I experienced was interesting. I would apologize for everything, cower if someone jokingly was horsing around with me, be paranoid that the “other shoe would drop” with people I trusted and generally wanted to isolate “until further notice.” I was flinchy, over-personalized everything directed at me. What I needed were friends who role modeled unconditional love and respect.

The rage I experienced was raw and real. Thankfully with a professional I was able to determine that my rage was only anger. Some of you will experience rage in the aftermath but it is really masking depression.
The emotional hangover will feel like someone has died. It’s a process. Some days you will grieve deeply and some days you will be angry about it. Some days you will be numb. But the overwhelming sadness will linger. You will think about them, and think of them ALOT at first.

 
The biggest part of the emotional hangover that you absolutely need to overcome is the urge to contact them again. When those emotional attacks distress you with that urge, come up with a plan to redirect that urge to do something else healthy and supportive for yourself. Whatever you can do to steer clear of them, DO NOT CONTACT THEM.

My “go to” when I would get the urge to contact him again, I called to mind all the abusive awful things he said to me. And I also recall him holding me up against a wall with his hands on my throat telling me I was ugly in a drunken rage. He had me so handfast up against that wall that he spit on me when his words of rage came from his mouth. I would dwell on the feelings of invalidation and hurt that he caused me. And that would be enough to stay the hell away from him and not succumb to the urge. Whatever it takes that helps you avoid the urge do it. But DO NOT substitute another unhealthy coping mechanism to help you through it (or worse, another addiction).

You may want to seek revenge. But that won’t work either. Revenge may make you feel better in the short term. Remember that Narcissists don't give a rat’s ass about you. So any attempt for revenge will be like nailing jello to a tree or herding cats.

 
Never ask why either. Asking yourself why this happened will be a chase after the wind. I know it’s crazy difficult to understand someone who professed to “love you” could treat you so entirely without any empathy. Never ask “why did they do that to me”?. Or “how can they rationalize doing that to me.”? Or “what happened in their past that made them abuse me.” ?

 
You will never get answers to those questions and wondering why will only drive you to more anxiety and pain. Catch yourself when you are going down that path and redirect those questions: When you want to ask “why’. Ask yourself instead,”What can I do for myself today that will help me move forward in the aftermath of abuse”. If you are wondering “how” , ask yourself “how can I love myself better today instead of dwelling on a person who abuses me.” Take those moments of “asking why” and turn them into positive self care. That may take a little practice but in time, you will get the hang of it.

 
Getting unstuck is getting unstuck. And what I mean by that is: don’t get stuck over-thinking about all the horrible things they did to you. Don’t obsess on the pain.

You have plenty of pain and fear to process. As with any process, recovering from narcissistic abuse can take several YEARS. Having lived under the same roof with one for so long, I understand that “undoing this ball of string” for emotional healing will take as long as it takes.

 
No longer being emotionally accessible to your narcissist is gonna take huge amounts of strength and tenacity. If you don’t make a clean emotional break and keep no contact going, you will most likely go back for more abuse.

 
With the emotional hangover, codependent love comes with the dangers of withdrawal symptoms. You are used to abuse as a way of life. Anything other than what you have been experiencing for so long will leave your craving for the “old way of life.” This is the hardest part. Because the obsessive longing for your narcissist is real. The struggle is so real combined with trying to hoover you back into the relationship is why so many people go back over and over again.

 
STOP IT! 

 You are the only one who can stop that obsessive thinking and craving to go back. The Narcissist wants you back because they want their supply house back. You are not a person to them.

 
The cravings to be with them are as strong as a heroine addict wanting to find their daily fix. It’s harder to stop loving a narcissist than it is to quit heroin or smoking.

 
Expect to feel completely taken out by the emotions you are experiencing. This emotional response is sometimes so powerful that you will “gaslight yourself” into thinking “IF I JUST TRY HARDER” or “it’s not ALL that bad.” 

 YES IT WAS ALL THAT BAD!

 
Another aspect of the emotional hangover is an insane tolerance to emotional pain. This will work for you in the long term. But while you are healing, you might have to watch yourself to be sure you practice empathy enough in your own “new way of life”. Most people who have experienced narcissistic abuse have emotional skin as thick as a hippopotamus hide and bullet proof armor. You had to develop it in order to survive. Little insults from outside sources are nothing compared to what you have experienced. Your SHELL that you have created around you has been deeply installed as a coping mechanism.

This coping mechanism when you are healed though, will come in handy as you try to preserve your peace and sanity.

 
Your next challenge is to internalize that you have severe self loathing and hate for yourself. I know Narcissists are the best at abuse you like chinese water torture and your erosion of yourself is a slow and steady pace into torture. When you accept that the way you treat yourself is the reason why you stayed for so long, you will better resist the craving to go back into the torture.

 
Triggers! You will be triggered to feel some of the same emotions that you felt with your narcissist in everyday situations. Understand what triggers your emotions. Every last one of them. Understand what triggers joy, happiness, sadness, anger, rage and lack of empathy. You won’t want to get rid of these emotions but understand them. Triggers are meant to help us even though they might make us feel uncomfortable.

 
I’ve always said in all these posts that this is really going to suck and hurt like hell. It’s temporary. The temporary pain of healing from the abuse will be worth your long term peace.
The best part of leaving and the emotional hangover is:

• You no longer will have to walk on eggshells
• 
  
• You can feel whatever you like to feel.
• No more paranoia about you being gone too long, being accused of being with other people, not doing anything “right”
• You won’t have to justify anything anymore
• Apologize for being who you are
• Be the blame for everything
• Be humiliated at public events
• You will get validation regarding your feelings
• No More emotionally exhausting and draining conflicts

And the list goes on. 

 Every step you take away from the relationship, the hangover will subside. Every day the immense relief will drive your motivation to stay gone (but it will suck at times). Your commitment to this process of loving yourself and being really kind will lessen the desire to yoke yourself to a completely crazy abuser!

 
That phrase “hurt people hurt people” is so overused (by the way I hate that phrase)! I bring it up here because on the contrary, happy people love happy people. Find your joy with a few happy people who you trust and build relationships with those people who don’t exploit your emotions. You will probably discard a lot of friendships and lose the ones you had when you were with your narcissist. The friends who saw your partner as a crazy narcissist, will stand by you and cheer you on!

 
Lastly a few things to remember on those days when you feel like caving in

• When you find yourself obsessing over the relationship and start getting mired in sadness, change the mantra inside your head and repeat over and over that “I am worthy and these sad feelings won’t last. Tell yourself that you will get past this and validate those feelings but just don't “live” in that head space.
• You can be proud of yourself that you left.
• Invest in your future by understanding abuse.
• Take a break from any relationship that will jeopardize your progress and recovery.
• Get comfortable being by yourself and learn how to enjoy things on your own.
• When you are feeling intense feelings, ask yourself the question, “What are these intense feelings REALLY about?”
• Understand that you were meant for more than abuse and you deserve healthy love in all the relationships that surround you.
• Every day let go of the relationship one little piece at a time.
• Forgive your narcissist but don’t forget. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.
• Learn to trust yourself.. Your Gut feeling is never wrong.

Emotional hangovers are a part of life and they happen regularly throughout a person’s life. However, some emotional hangovers are larger than others. And recovering from Narcissistic Abuse can be a doozy to manage. You will be successful if you understand what happens when you are having a bad day from recovery and know how to implement the coping mechanisms to get past the urges to reconnect with your abuser. You are your own priority now…and nothing can stop you. I truly care about how you are doing and even though, dear reader, I don’t know who you are, I send empathy for I have walked in your shoes. If it helps you, you can share your story to others who are willing to listen. And you can always email me to share yours with me or have other questions about Narcissistic Abuse.

You got this! This may take awhile. The good thing about hangovers though is the fact that once you have had a really bad one, I can almost guarantee you won’t “drink from that well” ever again!

Stay strong, peace out and go get em’ tigers. Your future is right in front of you and I am proud that you are leaving that abuser in the dust as you move forward in loving yourself. They never deserved your empathy and love to begin with!

Narcissistic Abuse: The Discard Phase

Greetings to each and all. How are you doing today? As you are learning, there are four phases to Narcissistic Abuse. The last phase is the discard phase.

However, individuals think that the discard phase is when the Narcissist discards you and that is only one time. Not So! The Narcissist will discard you in ways throughout your relationship.


So if they say they are going to leave you and get all dramatic saying they want divorce, want to break up and then storm out. I highly doubt they will leave such you since you are the main person for the Narcissistic Supply.


Have you ever wondered why a Narcissist will blow up at you, threaten divorce, breaking up and sometimes leave and say they are never coming back? Then the next day they come back to you like nothing ever happened.


That is a mini-discard. The mini discard can happen for years. Which also feeds into the slow erosion of your own character. More than likely, you are the one who will have to do the "leaving" in the relationship.


In a larger sense when a Narcissist is TRULY done with you. True discard will feel alittle bit different. As an empath, you will have to figure out if they are discarding your for good or doing a mini-discard because you have somehow interrupted their supply for their addiction.


The mini discard is not spoken about very much. I think the mini discard should get more attention. These acts of micro-aggression are equally as terrifying as the final blow.

The concept of "hoovering" is in the same realm as mini-discards.

The sad part about it is that when a Narcissist discards you, many Echoists want their Narcissist to return. The Narc gives them the perfect opportunity to leave but yet Echoists don't have the courage to follow through.

If a Narcissist gives you the opportunity to leave and they discard you or leave the door open to discard you... take the chance and run! However, I understand that is easier said then done. Because you need to prepare to leave a Narcissist. That is why it's so important to have a plan in place when the the Narcissist of the house decides to open the door for you to leave.


Perhaps this will make you feel better. The statistic for leaving abuse is low. Usually an individual makes on the average seven attempts before they leave. If I can put this into another perspective which might help: If someone you loved was in the same position as you were, would you want them to experience all the abuse that you experienced. If you put your kids in your place, would you want to see them abused.


There is no amount of convincing someone can do to help someone leave abuse. I understand that you will be ready when you are ready. But I do know that Knowledge is power and so is understanding. Each time you seek understanding online, watch a video, read this blog, that is a means to empower you. Little by little I hope that you can find your way out of the abuse and take one step forward.

Back to hoovering. It involves a series of behaviors aimed at rekindling the relationship, often after a period of no contact.

Here's a summary of hoovering and its impact:

Hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to regain control or re-engage with a former partner or someone they have discarded.


Purpose:

Narcissists use hoovering to:

• Reassert power and control
• Prevent loss of narcissistic supply
• Satisfy emotional needs
• Test boundaries
• Stoke insecurity

Signs of Hoovering:

• Reaching out through phone calls, text messages, social media, or surprise visits
• Expressing affection, regret, or promises to change
• Playing the victim or guilt-tripping
• Triangulation with third parties
• Love bombing

Impact of Hoovering:

Hoovering can be damaging for victims of narcissistic abuse, as it can reignite feelings of hope and attachment, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and a cycle of abuse.




How to Protect Yourself from Hoovering:

• Recognize hoovering tactics
• Establish clear boundaries
• Seek support from trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals

Remember, you are not alone in your experience with hoovering. If you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, seeking support from trusted individuals or mental health professionals can help you navigate these manipulative attempts and protect your emotional well-being.

Narcissistic Abuse: When the Narcissist Calls You the Narcissist

Every once in a while the pathological narcissist in  your life catches on that you are trying to pull away.    For some reason if you have decided to label them "a narcissist", Google will be their friend.  They will look up what a narcissist is or start asking questions and then all of a sudden they are labeling you as a narcissist in their ploy of manipulation.  I hate when that happens! And that happens often!   Please Don't gaslight yourself, though.  They are still trying to pass the buck and gaslight you into believing that you are the narcissist and the abuser. 

If you wonder if you are a narcissist, that's pretty common when you are trying to cut one out of your life.   So how can you tell if you aren't in the pathological range of narcissism in your own life?  Take this into consideration.

Narcissists lack empathy.  They just don't give a damn about you what so ever.  That is the tell tale sign that you are not a narcissist. You have a genuine sense of care for others. You have other people's best interest at heart while in a relationship with them. 

You are not a narcissist if you are open to feedback. Remember if you disagree with a a narcissist, they dismiss, devalue and discard your opinion.  They will accuse you of being the crazy one and abusive.  They will blast you into oblivion if you question their reality that you are absurd and abusive. 

You are not a narcissist if you feel that you are not perfect and you are open to feedback.  Narcissists can't handle feedback or are capable of problem solving skills that reflect empathy, compassion, love and collaboration in problem solving skills.  

If you have healthy relationships with other people but not with a narcissist, you probably aren't one.  This aspect of not being a narcissist is interesting because narcissists are so adept at being fake with other people.  Deep down, however, narcissists have troubled relationships at their core. Individuals with healthy esteem have support and fulfilling relationships with meaningful connective conversations.

Narcissists never hold themselves accountable in most situations.  They lack a sense of responsibility for their actions as they believe they are always right. Individuals with a healthy self esteem will hold themselves accountable if they have inadvertently hurt a friend or partner.   The words "I'm sorry" rarely come out of the narcissist's mouth.  And if they are uttered, be careful for an ulterior motive.

Are you humble?  If you are, you most likely are not a narcissist. Narcissists believe they are self-aggrandizing individuals who feel in their hearts they are better than other people.   If you can look in the mirror and recognize that no one is perfect and everyone has their own set of strengths and weaknesses, you can bet you are not a narcissist.

Narcissists lack respect for other people because they see people as objects! Non narcissists respect others and meet then where they are and accept them "as is."  Narcissists will want to disrespect a person and who they are at their core and try to mold them into a person that is more "agreeable" for them. 

The opposite of being a narcissist is being an "echo-ist".   Let's go back to the story of Narcissus to begin with.   The story of Narcissus is easier to understand.  But Echo, poor dear, she has a tragic ending.  Both are intertwined into narcissistic abuse.  

First meet the mythological Narcissus.  The Nymph Liriope was his mother.  When she went to Tiresias, who was a fortune teller, he said that he would have a long life, provided that he never recognized himself.   As Narcissus grew into a strong young lad, due to his amazing looks, the ladies flocked around him.  One caught his eye by the name of Echo (also a nymph).  She fell madly in love with him...but he wasn't into her, at all.  Echo has a beautiful singing voice.  Once she realizes her love is unrequited, she pines for him until she withers away and only her beautiful voice is left.  Echoes parents weren't pleased.  Her parents were friends with some mighty Gods of the day...and that drew vengeance upon Narcissus.  Echo would call out for Narcissus.  But he was never able to find her.  He could hear her, but never see her.  Echo was only doing what she know how to do.  Call to her loved one.  Eventually Narcissus followed her voice to that fateful day when it lead him to a pond.  Narcissus goes to the pond and bends down to follow the voice....and sees his reflection in the pool.  Thinking that "this must be the lovely voice that I am following" saw his reflection in the water and falls hopelessly in love.. with himself.  He bends down to kiss his reflection, falls into the water and drowns.  Echo remains in the forest now forever hiding among the leaves and trees.  And she is the Echo in the forest when a mortal hollers out into the great beyond.

Can you relate to Echo?  In the world of Narcissistic Abuse, the opposite of a Narcissist is an Echoist.  Many years ago I started to write the book called "the Echoist: Targets of Emotional Rape"  but didn't finish it. I sure wish I had now!  Because the concept of being an echoist is all over the place in the world of narcissistic abuse.

What is an Echoist?  More than likely that is you!  Being an Echoist is a high compliment.  Because you are able to practice empathy, love, compassion and put your needs before others.  If you are an "super-echoist" then you are co-dependently attached to others where you have no boundaries and are easily hooked into co-dependent relationships where you give too much, love too hard, have way too much empathy to the point where it is hurting you (Gray, 2012).

Do you have a fear of praise, have an excessive focus on others?  Do you neglect your own needs and suppress your own desires?  Are you a "yes man" and hyper-critical of yourself and say you're sorry all the time?  Do you hate attention and want to get out of the limelight and think of yourself as an imposter?  Those are Tell Tale signs that you are an Echoist, the mirror opposite of a Narcissist. 

Echoists are also in fear of being perceived as a narcissist in many cases.  These individuals work to prevent any actions to be sure not to be perceived as one.  They are super careful and choose their words.  Ironically, they are so afraid of hurting someone, they can come off as self-absorbed.  More than likely Echoists are more "up inside their heads" than self-absorbed or arrogant.

So when the narcissist tries to call you out on being a narcissist.  You're probably not anywhere close to being one.  If you practice empathy and understanding in a genuine fashion, breathe a sigh or relief and take their accusation with a grain of salt.

But even better, if you can.. practice your own empathy and go sit under a rock!  A Big Grey Rock, until it's safe to come out again.  

 

Narcissistic Abuse: Gaslighting & Crazymaking Behavior

Have you noticed that when you try to reason with a narcissist, that it's impossible to talk with them about the most mundane things? If you talk to them about wanting to take out the trash, they will deny you. If you want to talk to them about the person they offended at the grocery store last week, they will blame and devalue you: mention that you are struggling this week? They will discard you and then give you the virtual finger.

Rinse. Repeat.

Gaslighting! This is what happens when you try to reason with a Narcissist and forget that everything that comes out of their mouth is narcissistic supply (that is feeding their addiction for emotional support).

Gaslighting: Narcissists will pretty much deny anything that will put you in a negative light. Gaslighting is a word that is being tossed around quite a bit these days. So let's dive into what it is and what it isn't.

 Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity or reality. The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 movie by the title: Gaslight. The entire plot is centered around Gregory and Paula. Gregory subtly pushes Paula to insanity by moving objects around, creating unexplained noises and dismisses them as her imagination. As Paula's anxiety gets worse, Gregory manipulates her into believing that she is losing her mind.

So many people throw that term around these days and misunderstand what it truly is. Just because two people have a disagreement doesn't mean you are gaslighting each other. 

True Gaslighting is A Husband who takes care fixing everything at the house and she says he never helps. OR A girlfriend who refuses to admit that she hit her partner in the face even though there is a police report on her. She is the queen of gaslighting.

We all know that language can change and we adopt terms that describe certain situations. You will have moments in your relationship where the two of you have completely different ideas about reality. With a healthy relationship, healthy couples will keep an open mind and discuss this with a solution focused attitude based on love and respect. A Narcissist won't do that. And remember, if you feel like a patterned narcissist is changing their tune and trying to be solution focused with love, don't buy it. Since they couldn't get what they wanted through coercive ugly tactics, they will "love-bomb you” to get their way instead.

I remember this client well: with bruises on his arms and a bloody lip, she denied hitting him and when showing her the police report, she said "that was all a dream you had." She also told him... "Well everyone argues like that and that's normal for stuff like that to happen."

Wow, right?

Not gonna buy it. To deny physical evidence that a situation occurred is utter narcissistic abuse. That is how pathological narcissists can be. Pretty bat-shit crazy, eh? Narcissists will minimize your feelings and deny something happened. They are the masters of telling you that you are "being too dramatic" or "over-reacting" or are "Too sensitive".

Yet, they continue down this path and twist the absolute truth. They will twist truth, So much so that they make up lies and stories about what happened. They adopt this "revisionist history" and to stab you in the back further, joke about it to all your friends and humiliate you when you are in public. And this non stop.

Crazy making behavior is also at the top of the list of gaslighting. They will make you feel like you are losing your marbles. This is a slow erosion of losing your mind over time. This tactic is like water torture. Water torture is an individual  strapped to a chair with one repetitive drop of water dropping on your head at a steady rate. 

Over time this causes this causes fear and mental deterioration. Narcissists love to ware a person down over time using all tactics. However, crazy making behavior is the pattern that promotes enough mental torture over time that it leave you utterly devoid of your own self. The pattern of crazy making behavior is so irregular, that you will be constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a form of coercive control of create obedience to your narcissist long term.

Sadly, this creates isolation. Isolation from friends, family, loved ones. Narcissists may tell you that your closest friends and family are not healthy for you and that you need to stop having relationships with them. Isolation happens across the entire spectrum of domestic abuse. Isolation allows the abuser to keep you locked into their thinking and isolated from any outside source that may help you figure out a way to leave, be emotionally healthy and get out of the abuse.

And when Isolation is in full force. That will make you feel dependent on our abuser --- for EVERYTHING. This creates Co-dependency in the worst fashion. They will make you feel like you need them to survive.

This is a slow erosion of yourself though a period of time. If you wonder how you got to this point, please don't be too hard on yourself. It happens to the best of us. It really does. This truly is like Chinese Water Torture. It's a slow erosion into this kind of coercive control and manipulation. Most people who experience any kind of abuse walk into these situations at least once in a lifetime. I believe the statistic goes something like this: 3 out of 7 individuals on the entire planet will have had what is officially called an "abuse" situation or have experience "abusive tendencies" in a relationship at least once in a lifetime.

What is really scary is that you may be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse right now...but that also means you may have been on the giving end of it too at one point in your life! 

This ties into gaslighting because the Narcissist in your world will make YOU believe that YOU are the narcissist and the problem in your relationship. The next post will be about that topic and why you aren't the Narcissist in your relationship.

How do you stay safe from Gaslighting if you are still with your Narcissist in the same house? Practice being the sexy grey rock that you are.  If you want to learn more about Grey-Rock Method, head over to this blogpost on this blog at https://lovemasqueraded.blogspot.com/2023/11/CuttingtheSupply.html

If you think you are being gaslighted, getting help and emotional support is important to keep your sanity. And stay tuned on more content on How to Find Your Way Back from Narcissistic Abuse!

Please head over to the YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/findingyourwayback 

Narcissistic Abuse: How to Cut Off Narcissistic Supply

One Shade of Gray here ----- 

I'm gonna talk about that shade of Gray today.. well Grey, depending on where you live depends on the spelling.  

Just in case you are racing around  trying to play dodge ball with any Narcissistic behavior today, here's the down and dirty as to how to cut off Supply. 

This is a sexy topic to help you stop being the supply house to the narcissist in your life. May I introduce to you---  the sexiest thing on the planet --- THE GREY ROCK!

Now how could a grey rock be that sexy and exciting?  

Well, it's not and it's not supposed to be.  The Grey Rock Method has been around since about 2012 by a mental health blogger by the name of Skylar.  This is also called "Grey Rocking".   This is a unique method to manage narcissistic and toxic behavior and  is very different from "ghosting" though.  This is the idea that when a narcissist tries to "hook you" back into their toxic need for supply, you disengage and become Uninterested.  You "charge neutral" and remain boring about it just like an uninteresting grey rock you might not even give a second glance to in the middle of the road. 

What does that look like in real time?  If the narcissist in your life comes at you and gaslights you... the grey rock response is, "Ok, I hear you" ...and then you walk away.  The more vague and uninterested you are while they are flipping out, the better off you are in protecting your own emotional well being.

So really quick if need to get going..here are some tricks to take with you the next time things get out of control. Honestly, you can do this all the time if you are trying to leave your Narcissist.   When you disengage from the Narcissist,  several things can happen (that's in the next blog post). But the best thing about Grey Rocking is that YOU take back your power and control from the Narc and start to find yourself. 

• Give short neutral answers.  Don't over explain yourself. It's none of their business what you think about it.  An explanation that is like a lengthy novel will only give them fuel for gaslighting!  
• Avoid eye contact.  This will help reduce the emotional intensity of the interaction.
• Whatever you do... don't justify your position on anything you say.  Refer to #1.  
• Change the subject if a Narcissist tries to bait you into an argument and return to neutral.
• Walk away.
• Fight the damn urge to get deeply involved.
• Go no contact as much as possible.

The last one is the hardest one to take to heart.  If you are used to explaining yourself and apologize for everything you say, this won't work.  You have to catch yourself before you dive in too deep.  You are a sexy grey rock!  If you are unsure if you are able to do this or not, you can take baby steps with it.

Because the crazy part about narcissistic people who are flipping out is that they THRIVE on big, loud, boisterous arguments where you are cussing at each other as much as they thrive on attention that is peaceful, kind and loving.  Remember that ANYTHING that comes out of your mouth is put into the supply house that gets stored and most likely is used against you at a later date. 

Focus on your own needs and well-being: This means taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and exercising regularly. You should also spend time with supportive friends and family members.

It is important to remember that cutting off narcissistic supply is a process, and it may take time to see results. Be patient with yourself and don't give up. With time and effort, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and build a healthy life for yourself.

So stay sexy ...and go gray!  

Narcissistic Abuse: Understanding Your Anxiety

This post will get alittle deep in the woods.  Only because Narcissistic Abuse many times attached to your own Anxiety.    And understanding that Anxiety and helping you manage it will help you do what is necessary to leave the Abuse Behind....

Meditation #22 

Anxiety cloaks fear.   Even after waking up in awareness we can’t escape fear but we can be mindful of it.  In fact, Anxiety can be useful in awareness to untie many of the knots that we have in the human condition.  Kierkegaard said that,”Anxiety was his greatest teacher.”  Anxiety will teach the basic truths of impermanence and patience.   There is no pushing pain away when we are experiencing anxiety if it is mindfully approached.

Anxiety kills.  It will take ahold of a spirit and wrack it with so many physical and emotional symptoms that one can experience an “emotional stuck-ness” that seems impossible to move again. Much like a 800 pound gorilla that is in the room with you which feels like it is sitting on your chest.  That kind of anxiety is lack of awareness and faith in yourself.   But I believe in you!  

Don't forget to realize that the “person” that you are attached to in human form is a program.  We have been programmed to believe that we are limited in all that we can do.  We argue our limitations and then we own them--- which manifests in anxiety in a very unpleasant way. Then your mind is off to the races going doing rabbit holes at 100mph drifting from "what if" to "omg!"   Sadly, We believe what we think we can’t do.  We choose not to be liberated when we are anxious.  

We live with our human programming which  decides for us who we really are as a human.   

But if we use anxiety as a great teacher to move us forward into the next level of awareness, we will push out of our human “stuck-ness” into freedom from abuse and all that ails us emotionally.  

No wonder why we have anxiety in our culture! We are trying to do the impossible.  What is there to be afraid of?   You may think "I have everything to be afraid of!".   In order to help yourself out, that mindset or the pre-programmed messages in your head need to be changed.

Even our brains are limited in their existence of this world.  We hardly use what we have that is human.  Sad, isn’t it? But Anxiety? People want to know how to deal, manage, get rid of, understand and even embrace anxiety.  Why?  Because we hate it, that’s why.   We don’t have to hate it at all! Anxiety makes us uncomfortable and being uncomfortable is excellent when we are seeking our own awareness to love ourselves better.

The juxtaposition of Anxiety is courage:   Bravery in the face of opposition!  The ability for us to have mindfulness  to teach ourselves the mentally healthy way to manage our souls trapped into this human body to love ourselves better and escape from abuse or anything that may emotionally hold us back. 

Changing our framework in how we look at anxiety will help us get rid of it!  

Experiencing anxiety is a pathway to love.   Sounds crazy doesn't it? I'm sure the narcissist in  your life doesn't make you feel like your anxiety is a pathway to love.  However, on the other side of conquering overwhelming  truly is PEACE.  But getting through it all can be a bitch! 

Anxiety meds will not change your soul.  It may change your “human” to some degree but it will not solve your problems.  Now don’t get me wrong, there are some folks who are humanly and truly imbalanced who need psychotropic meds to function.  But what I am talking about here is situational long term chronic anxiety.  

I have been overwhelmed with anxiety at times in my life where I lived in a brain fog of sorts. I would lose words, not perform well in social situations and my distraction level was higher than the highest mountain in the world.  I was not here, nor was I present.  My very soul would try to peek out from behind the cloud and shake me awake again and that was difficult.

But when I learned that the Anxiety is a pathway to love, my whole perspective changed.  You see, if we reason that we can pay attention to the intense feeling or reason causing your anxiety (which stems from fear), you can figure out why and what these feelings are.  It will take some time perhaps or no time all.   Sure your Narcissist may be a huge cause of your anxiety, but it goes deeper than that. If you can figure out where you may have felt the exact same way without the narcissist in your life, perhaps you can dig deep enough to find the origin story for when your anxiety started to begin with.  This is definitely a long process.  

Remember that Anxiety is a path, not a point on the horizon.  You are not going to go to that point on the horizon, you are going to walk past it.

Anxiety will also tug on you so hard that it can be almost impossible to ignore.  This is a blessing, not a curse.

What do you need for yourself to pay attention to yourself? What do you need to help you gain strength to power through these feelings of fear?

Plain and simple:  YOU NEED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Anxiety is another layer to peel away.  Anxiety is a part of the program of being human and in the human condition.  Getting rid of anxiety seems like it would be way too painful and always will come up about the ways you are living daily life.

But what is daily life?  Doesn’t daily life exist in the human condition?  Isn’t that a program of sorts?  It is, isn’t it?  Do you want to be programmed forever or do you want to deliver yourself  into an awakened state of being, a state of not being a zombie anymore?

Let everything go.  Why does your fear matter?  There is, as I have said before, only fear or love.  There is nothing in-between.

Also the tricky part about Anxiety is if you withdraw from it, it will get worse.  You may bury it deeply but it will manifest somewhere in your life and in places that seem the least likely.  It will interfere with everything you love and block the pathway to love… because it is another pathway to love.  The irony is amazing here, isn’t it?

The lack of substance in our experience is our greed, cravings, addictions, aversion and pushing pain away;  hold no ignorance or belief that sustaining Anxiety will bring security or happiness!   Exploring anxiety relieves all that there is involved with it and brings recovery and ultimately unconditional love. 

The circular pathway is discovery, recovery then love.  They harmonize with each other in a circle of awareness that spirals up and inward.

Our souls exist out of the time space continuum, the pendulum in the middle or left or right.  It exists in abstraction in the unconditional love of spirit.  Anxiety fights this existence to reason that our soul must live in certain place in our world.  It doesn’t.  It exists in an abstraction place called mind.  Mind is different than brain.  Using our mind is different than using our brains to solve a math equation.  Using our mind is the center link between our human-ness and our soul.  It is the link between the interconnected lack of time space continuum in the human condition and the place we know of ourselves in the world.

What does this have to do with anxiety? Quite a bit, actually.  If we believe that our mind and our brain exist in the same place, we will exist in a stuck reality that is conditional.   We have to be able to disconnect our mind from our “self” and our “ego” or out “I/me”.     We cannot be two human people in the same body.   We cannot adopt the thinking that the ego and mind are the same.

Same goes for feelings.   Feelings are simply defined, too.  They are the impermanent shifting body sensation which we label as pain or pleasure.  They pass through us if we recognize and embrace why they exist in our programmed world.  Our mind can handle our feelings better than our brain can which is the reason why being aware and awake when we experienced emotion is so important.  And when we are not aware of ourselves, we get in to relationships with unhealthy people.

Back to Anxiety.  Be. Here. Now.  There is no other time to exist in the mind.  Remember that being human is a programmed set of values that is attached to a world that is set in motion by conditional stimuli.

No one should ever worry about being in the ‘now’.  Be not anxious for nothing, it will resolve itself.  We can nudge ourselves toward change to resolve anxiety but staying anxious brings our past and future into our present.  Why would we want to do a preposterous thing like that for?  

Everything is now.  In fact, everything is always just this. Whatever you are doing is now and now the past. Like now… there it goes again.  Did we have anxiety for this moment we are having now that just past?  

Don’t waste your time on trying to control a racing mind or an anxious mind.  Controlling anything to the extent in which you think you humanly can is always going to be a soul faux pas.  You can’t control most everything in our human world.

You can’t outrun pain.  You can’t rationalize pain either. Your thoughts are going to race if you seek to control it.   Not doing so results in anxiety.

Face it, Anxiety will catch you if you try and run away.  Anxiety is unresolved pain that you repressed that is surfacing again that You didn’t fully experience the first time around.  

So get back in touch with reality! The unexperienced pain needs to be experienced to its core so you can experience love in the liberation of anxiety.  Breaking through pain is ginormous, terrifying and can feel like you are dying at times.  That’s ok, you won’t die from experiencing emotional pain that seems endless, eventually by working through it, it will clear itself out.

This may take a few weeks or even a few years.  Don’t push it down inside but don’t rush processing your fear either.  Let it flow in and about you like a floating orb that you want to study and learn about. 

Eventually and over time, your anxiety will disappear and give way to a quiet mind.  There will be nothing left for you to rationalize your pain away.  You will be able to not outrun your mind and succumb to your brain.  The result is peace and liberation.  And in the absence of fear, there is love.  Your mind will think very little, it will stop racing and it won’t have thoughts intruding on your daily life that will rattle you.  Even in times of deep lifetime conditional human struggle, you will be able to manage it with a peace and quiet and embrace that will lead you into more awareness.

That is precisely why anxiety is a pathway to love. 

Narcissistic Abuse: What Feeds the Narcissist?

It's time to quit your job!

Being on the other end of narcissistic abuse is a thankless job.   And you know what your title is of this thankless job?  Supply House Manager.   The supply chain in narcissistic abuse keeps the deliveries on schedule and if the supply doesn't happen... get ready for the boss to flip out!

What am I talking about?  I'm talking about the very basics of narcissistic abuse: narcissistic supply.   Narcissists need their fix and you are their supply.   Remember that their addiction is your emotional support and validation.  You are the main supply house for that addiction and you are the primary shareholder in giving that supply in order for them to exist.

Every conversation, every action and every breath feeds into their addiction.  Every. single. solitary. Word.  Every utterance out of their mouth is all about getting Narcissistic Supply.    Every conversation will degenerate into manipulation centered around the Narcissists agenda to feed their addiction.

The Narcissistic Woman in your life is not an authentic person who comes from a genuine place of having your best interests at heart. EVER.  They may seem like they care for a hot minute --- but they don't.  Once those aspects of the narcissist are in the pathological range consistently... you are a pawn in their own personal chess game to feed their addiction to manage their self worth.

Narcissistic Supply is the sustenance they need.  It is the food of life for them.

If you are still in a narcissistic relationship, they are the bitchy boss of the supply chain and you are their peon to work for them to give them your all. Here's the worst part of it... this bitchy boss will use intimidation, aggression, belittle you and a variety of other humiliating tactics to feed their addiction.

They thrive on Submission and succession.  They thrive on you groveling for forgiveness.  They thrive on you taking the backseat in this two person organization and they thrive on WINNING.    

Gonna say it again:  Every conversation, every action and every breath feeds into their addiction.  Every. single. solitary. Word.  Every utterance out of your mouth is all about getting Narcissistic Supply.    Every conversation will degenerate into manipulation centered around the Narcissists agenda to feed their addiction.

If you wanna quit this job of supply house manager, there are a few things you need to do to help yourself out!  It's time for you to Promote Yourself instead of your Bitch Boss and take credit where credit is due.

I wish I could push a magic button and have you internalize that without supply a narcissist can't exist.   Also remember that just because you aren't giving supply doesn't mean that they won't STILL be a narcissist.

Here's Your First To Do List

1. Internalize that every conversation from the first word out of your mouth is feeding their addiction.  
2. Understand that your narcissistic boss lady at home can also seduce you with charm, sex and the false front of having your best interest at heart to feed her addiction.  If you have sex with her, she is using it as a weapon.  If she is charming and appears to be nice and goes something nice for you.. it's because she wants something.   If she is helping you do something around the house, she is doing so people outside of your marriage can see that she is "the good wife."
3. The agenda under everything she does is all about feeding her addiction.
4. Every breathing human on the planet is used to feed her supply.  From strangers to the most loved ones.  
5. Don't feed her.  She is morbidly obese in the world of psychological torture.   

I understand you may be living in this hell of your very own torture chamber.   If you are wondering how to not feed this narcissist (until you figure out leaving)  then you are going to have to cut off her supply.

Yes, you basically have to be invisible in your own home.  Cutting off the supply is tricky and also can be interesting especially if you have no place to go.  You are, however, giving yourself a promotion in your own world.  YOU are going to be in control of your own emotional state and love yourself enough NOT to cave into the pressure of Feeding her addiction.

Now if you are already out of the house and away from your Narcissist..... I commend you for getting outta there and keep going.  Support your local Union of Men here and lend them support.  They need you to be able to understand how to quit and stay gone!

The same goes for those who have left or need to leave.  GO NO CONTACT!

Are you wondering how you can go no contact in your own home?  Well guys, if your narcissist has ever given you the silent treatment, then it's time to fight back with the same tactic, only modified so you don't look like an asshole.  

But the basics of Narcissistic Supply are laid out here to understand what it is.  It truly is time to quit your job and promote yourself out of there.  

The HOW TO CUT off supply is in the next post....  it will keep you safe, moving forward and moving on.   She can have access to you but she doesn't have to have SUCCESS with you anymore.

Just the Beginning: Finding Your Way Back (From Narcissistic Abuse)

I have seen you struggling over there. Coming to the end of the work life tunnel.  You might be feeling lost, confused, unhappy and perhaps overwhelmed by the possibility of spending all your hours at home with "that person" you have been with.  You want freedom to be who you are again.  You've dived so deep into your family and work life for so long that you forgot about yourself.  She is a bitch to you but you don’t know why.  She’s never wrong and don’t hold herself accountable……Ever!  However, I understand.  I understand that you have led this life living as though the world was on your shoulders trying to be the lover, magician, king, warrior, comedian and parent. Trying to be perfect.  She even physically hit you at times. But yet, It's exhausting throwing that paycheck for 40 years at the American Dream a few kids and several dogs later now crossed over the rainbow bridge. You’re broken…  Does this sound like you.  Trust me, you were meant for more!  

But I see you there.  All of you.  The inside of you who you want to be.  But the problem is... I think most of you don't know how to get there.  Your way has been littered with "doing" instead of "being".  Acting instead of relaxing.  Manifesting other people's dreams instead of your own.   And probably your soul is tired.

And in your little kingdom wrapped up neatly in the paid off house, maybe another property, the empty nest and the dissatisfaction of perhaps a lifetime marriage ... you want more.  You have known you want more for a long time.  You have the wisdom of the ages, the body of a sexagenerian and time is fleeting.

Who are you?  Do you know?  Do you know who you want to become?

That's what this book is for. These are meditations to help you find your way back to ...YOURSELF.

Sometimes these meditations will be short enough to deliberate while in the privvy.  Some of them longer to ponder during your last days at the job and some just to make you laugh.  

Meanwhile, I use the generalized term "you" for most of these meditations.  I have a tendency to switch tenses as a writing style so I apologize in advance  if that drives you crazy.

Also these are fictional stories that come from real life people: told in a manner as relative experience.  These men have been in your shoes.  These amazing men have become what they have always wanted to become. Most times these types of personal transitions and sojourns were extremely painful for them.  However, emotional surgery will leave you healed down the road on a path toward peace and the scars will be the experience that led you to who you are in your twilight years. Bold love without fear will leave you unstoppable.

This is where you are today...but you don't have to stay there.  You don't have to feel lost, stuck, invalidated, obsolete or irrelevant.  There is purpose out there for you...and your path to peace is shorter than you think.

It's time to re-claim your life as you head into your sunset years with love, peace, laughter and brilliance.  It's time to Find Your Way Back to Peace.

Narcissistic Abuse: The Types of Women Narcissists

Kick off your Shoes Guys! Thanks for joining me here. How was your day?

COME SEE MY CHANNEL ON YOUTUBE! And Stay Tuned for Content.

Even though Narcissism is to be treated with sensitivity, here are some lighthearted observations about narcissistic women. Maybe you can identify with one of them or all of them. And Narcissism is on a spectrum and on a scale. Some are more poignant than others in the behaviors. Seems narcissism is all over the place these days! It truly isn't... but just for today... Sit back and enjoy. You deserve the break for tonight and at the same time I hope this helps you alittle bit more to save yourself from further narcissistic abuse.

Remember, this content is for informational purposes only and should not be used as a diagnostic tool. If you suspect someone may have narcissistic traits or a personality disorder, it is best to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and guidance.

1. The Selfie Queen: A narcissistic woman's camera roll is filled with countless selfies, each one carefully curated to showcase her best angles and flawless appearance. She knows all the right filters and poses to make sure she looks picture-perfect at all times.

2. The Social Media Star: A narcissistic woman's social media presence is a carefully crafted persona designed to garner attention and admiration. Her posts are a mix of glamorous photos, humblebrags, and cryptic captions that leave her followers guessing.

3. The Drama Queen: Narcissistic women have a knack for turning even the smallest inconvenience into a full-blown crisis. They thrive on drama and attention, and their exaggerated reactions can leave others feeling exhausted and bewildered.

4. The Fashionista: Narcissistic women have an impeccable sense of style and always strive to be the best-dressed person in the room. They spend hours meticulously planning their outfits and wouldn't be caught dead in anything less than designer labels.

5. The Charmer: Narcissistic women are masters of charm and manipulation. They know exactly what to say and do to win people over and get what they want. Their charisma can be captivating, but it's important to remember that it's often a facade.

6. The Eternal Victim: Narcissistic women have a talent for playing the victim card. They twist situations to make themselves appear innocent and wronged, while conveniently ignoring their own role in the conflict. They thrive on sympathy and attention. Remember, these observations are meant to be taken with a grain of salt and are not representative of all narcissistic women.

In conclusion, while narcissism may have its humorous moments, it's important to remember that dealing with a narcissist can be challenging and even harmful. So, let's take a moment to appreciate the humor, but also remember to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and seek support when needed. And hey, maybe we can all learn a thing or two about self-love from the narcissists in our lives – just without the excessive self-importance and lack of empathy, of course!

Get Out! The Logistics of Leaving Narcissistic Abuse

Chapter 5 - Get Out! The  Logistics of Leaving Narcissistic Abuse

This is a letter I wrote to an individual who feels trapped by Narcissistic Abuse.  “She” has laid hands on him and went to jail for it. Her violence is rears its ugly head when her supply is threatened.  Coercive control is her main tactic that has always worked to "hoover" him back into the torture.   He has been suicidal at times. 

He asked me "what do I do" so she doesn’t hurt me when I leave?  This formula for success can apply to every guy that suffers at the hands of narcissistic abuse. This letter I wrote is raw. I'm sharing this with you so you can "get out" and stay gone.  This is the LOGISTIC side of leaving Narcissistic Abuse. This is my letter to you!

 

Dearest Friend of Narcissistic Abuse --

First, you are not alone.  You have more people in your life that love you than  you think.  Your narcissist is trying to manipulate you into thinking that you can't do this, but you can.  I believe in you and your ability to "get out!"  Please Understand that I believe in you even though you are feeling stuck. Sometimes the only thing that keeps us stuck is what your narcissist wants you to believe. And that is just not true!

Narcissists want you to believe that you’re legally defeated before you start. There is a legal process to leave your narcissist that you implement so she won’t destroy you. Plan way ahead! Get your lawyer first! Yes, I know it's expensive to hire an attorney. However there are resources available for individuals to pay as you go, even in the poorest of circumstances.

You have to muster up your inner asshole!!! You really don’t have a choice on that.  There are specific lawyers that handle narcissists like her.   There are ways to pay for legal fees prior to filing that she won't have to know about. And believe it or not, you will come away more financially intact than you think because the LAW is on your side. You can’t change the law and neither can a narcissist.  One year of financial loss is worth three decades of being free from the abuse.   

But your success 100000000000% lies with the law! Remember they are on your side and are only a 911 call away.

AND GO no contact  With her!!!   Did I say no contact!? Wait a minute, let me say it again!  No contact. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Zero and don’t cave.  Experts in Narcissism and Other Legal people who deal with narcissistic abuse cases.agree that no contact is the only the way for legal success.  There is no other workaround to leave a Narcissist and the abuse.  Legal Separations don't work, rationalizing with them doesn't work,  traditional mediation doesn't work, NOTHING works ....except Full On no contact with a razor sharp high conflict qualified lawyer and great pre-planned strategies.  Open marriages doesn’t work.   Cease and Desist doesn't work.   No matter how hard she spazzes out (and she most likely will) and tries to coerce you into communicating.. don't.... because that will lead to your own obliteration...  STAY THE HELL AWAY from her and STICK to it for good!  You gain nothing by trying to negotiate with her outside of the Law doing it for you! NOTHING!   If you cave in even for one second, she will threaten you so bad that you will feel that you have to go back into the torture. No contact: your entire future depends on it. She will most likely flip out, get obsessive, crazy and all the above and even violent and God Forbid became lethally vindictive. Get the lawyer first. Change the locks on the house or the domicile you want to live in.  You change the locks while she’s in a different location while you do it--- 

1. First— Block her from all means of communication to you. Text, email, phone lines.  Get a burner phone if you have to, to stay in contact with important loved ones. She no longer deserves or has any access to you. She doesn't deserve access to you anymore and that will really anger the crazy in her. Her supply has been cut off so get ready!

2. If she is trying to reach you and obsessively harasses you let her! She will try a workaround through your family and attempt to triangulate others into her drama. Just let her have her hey day and you steer clear.  The crazier she looks the better off this behavior is for you in the long run. Isn't it great confirmation for you that she is out of her mind. If you ever questioned a Narcissist if they are crazy, just take away their supply. They will flip out in some way or another. And by the way, that is not your problem

1. WHY DO YOU LET HER HAVE THE MELTDOWN? Because you will have  Given your family a prior heads up that you are leaving. Their standard response will be,  “this is between the two of you and do not contact me again.”  

3. If possible put a “do not to contact” in place. All correspondence will be communicated through a third party counsel with the exception of emergencies regarding your children which can be texted.  

4. Then if she doesn’t take you seriously (Narcs will call relentlessly hundreds of times trying to get you to cave) then you call the police without fail.    And then stick to it at all costs.  There is nothing good that will come out of communicating with her - so stay NO CONTACT.  

5. Then document the obsessive means of attempting contact as harassment if she continues to contact you or any of your family, etc…  She will go to great lengths NOT to lose you as her main supply.   I hate that for you but they will understand…. And respect you for it honestly.  By that time you will have legal counsel in and her contacting anyone to FIGHT YOU BACK INTO THE TORTURE will look foolish and crazy on her behalf.

File a plenary restraining order against her especially if she has become violent.  That is the way it Has to go.  I know you don’t want to be so cold..  I know that really sucks but the law will protect you.  Get fierce & confident.  Keep your cool.  Stay calm and FOLLOW THROUGH!   There is nothing more important than fighting for yourself!

Everything you do that makes her squirm —-she enjoys it. Remember that Narcissists are sadists and they enjoy torturing you!

Remember that SHE HAS PHYSICALLY HARMED you and left bruises. If it helps you--- GET MAD AT THE ABUSE if you can't get mad at her.     

And by the way, just so you know, you’re not the one who turned her into a narcissist either.  HER ABUSE IS NOT YOUR FAULT!  

Don’t you believe in yourself as much as I believe in your ability to do this?   

You are still young enough to build something really amazing on the other side.  Your mind will be free to focus on  what you want to do. Once you don't have to live with this fear and indecision of trying to stay or go — You have NO idea how much more life will be easily conquered once your mind is free!

Your memory loss -- if you have any -- will go away. You will become razor sharp focused because you’re not constantly being emotionally raped! Please know that Anything that you do will be successful after you leave the abuse.  You are young enough to make a great life for yourself even after 60! Look at what you do now!  Look at what you have endured.  Without the crazy in your world, you are unstoppable! There is enough to go around for this second chance and YOU WILL BE AT PEACE.   

When I left my Narc....Yes it really sucked for about a year. The healing time in that year will be your life force and the essence of who you will become. You will find strength in peace. I promise. One year in hell is worth the rest of your life of happiness… I promise you!  And believe it or not. She will eventually show up unannounced and try to offer you sex.  CALL THE COPS and stay no contact.   Nothing will stop her from trying to lose you as her main supply.. NOTHING!  Something that many forget to tell you.. Narcissists ALWAYS COME BACK. They could come back in 10 minutes or 10 years after you have permanently closed the book on them. Don't be fooled... it just means their main supply is waning and they are grasping at straws to get more supply through you!

  

Just remember – She’s the one that went to Jail .  She’s the one that physically hit you several times. She’s the one who had you Leave the house barely dressed in the middle of a snowstorm. Normal people don’t do that kind of batshit crazy stuff.    Don't even think that any of your behavior is worse than her abuse.  Her abuse is what drove you to react.  SHE STAYS because she loves the narcissistic supply you give her.   If she ever confronts you and tries to get violent, keep your cool & call the law.   She expects you to run to her with your tail tucked between your legs.  You are not a coward… you are fearless and unstoppable, you are loved and capable and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS… 

After the process is set in motion and you get used to staying no contact, you will start to see yourself change emotionally for the better.  What kind of crazy P O S human would do that and force YOU into being a prisoner and threaten to kill you if you leave?  Do you see how crazy that sounds? This is emotional blackmail, abuse and mental torture.  To threaten you if you don’t stay is pure evil!    Read that again and let that sink in.

And — she has already run you up a flagpole and down the other side to so many people that  There’s nothing that she can tell anybody that “nobody already doesn’t know.”  She will start the smear campaign.  That is a given.   But even that will eventually stop.  The ppl that stay with you will be the ones who matter.  Because the ones who matter don’t mind, and the one’s who mind don’t matter anyway.   She wants you to believe you will be all alone..and you won’t be.

This is where to start. I know how it goes. You WILL come away with the assets and at peace without losing everything you own.  Would you let me help you? Will you let me help you get unstuck? You have subtracted years off your life because you live in fear. The mental gymnastics you have to do to try to stay in her good graces (which is impossible no matter what) are out of control!

You’ve been to your own personal edge of insanity because of her abuse ….you’ve been close.  I’ve seen it in your eyes.  Standing by watching you stay abused, watching you cower & be afraid …be paranoid ..apologize for everything …have self esteem Sacked -- never being valued &  respected, without some kind of recourse or underlying agenda, is just heartbreaking! I’m saying this because I want to see you, Happy.  

You’re gonna have good days and you’re gonna have bad days with this process— and there’s some days that are really gonna suck and that you wished a lot of things were different.  But it will come to an end.

The only way to get unstuck Is walk forward -because a journey of 1000 miles starts with one step. There’s another chance, someday soon.  Shining like the Alabama moon.  If you're looking for the promised land, It’s out beyond the lights of Birmingham.

So Whattayasay … ??  Will you Walk this Path and finally be free??