Chapter 5 - Get Out! The Logistics of Leaving Narcissistic Abuse
This is a letter I wrote to an individual who feels trapped by Narcissistic Abuse. “She” has laid hands on him and went to jail for it. Her violence is rears its ugly head when her supply is threatened. Coercive control is her main tactic that has always worked to "hoover" him back into the torture. He has been suicidal at times.
He asked me "what do I do" so she doesn’t hurt me when I leave? This formula for success can apply to every guy that suffers at the hands of narcissistic abuse. This letter I wrote is raw. I'm sharing this with you so you can "get out" and stay gone. This is the LOGISTIC side of leaving Narcissistic Abuse. This is my letter to you!
Dearest Friend of Narcissistic Abuse --
First, you are not alone. You have more people in your life that love you than you think. Your narcissist is trying to manipulate you into thinking that you can't do this, but you can. I believe in you and your ability to "get out!" Please Understand that I believe in you even though you are feeling stuck. Sometimes the only thing that keeps us stuck is what your narcissist wants you to believe. And that is just not true!
Narcissists want you to believe that you’re legally defeated before you start. There is a legal process to leave your narcissist that you implement so she won’t destroy you. Plan way ahead! Get your lawyer first! Yes, I know it's expensive to hire an attorney. However there are resources available for individuals to pay as you go, even in the poorest of circumstances.
You have to muster up your inner asshole!!! You really don’t have a choice on that. There are specific lawyers that handle narcissists like her. There are ways to pay for legal fees prior to filing that she won't have to know about. And believe it or not, you will come away more financially intact than you think because the LAW is on your side. You can’t change the law and neither can a narcissist. One year of financial loss is worth three decades of being free from the abuse.
But your success 100000000000% lies with the law! Remember they are on your side and are only a 911 call away.
AND GO no contact With her!!! Did I say no contact!? Wait a minute, let me say it again! No contact. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Zero and don’t cave. Experts in Narcissism and Other Legal people who deal with narcissistic abuse cases.agree that no contact is the only the way for legal success. There is no other workaround to leave a Narcissist and the abuse. Legal Separations don't work, rationalizing with them doesn't work, traditional mediation doesn't work, NOTHING works ....except Full On no contact with a razor sharp high conflict qualified lawyer and great pre-planned strategies. Open marriages doesn’t work. Cease and Desist doesn't work. No matter how hard she spazzes out (and she most likely will) and tries to coerce you into communicating.. don't.... because that will lead to your own obliteration... STAY THE HELL AWAY from her and STICK to it for good! You gain nothing by trying to negotiate with her outside of the Law doing it for you! NOTHING! If you cave in even for one second, she will threaten you so bad that you will feel that you have to go back into the torture. No contact: your entire future depends on it. She will most likely flip out, get obsessive, crazy and all the above and even violent and God Forbid became lethally vindictive. Get the lawyer first. Change the locks on the house or the domicile you want to live in. You change the locks while she’s in a different location while you do it---
First— Block her from all means of communication to you. Text, email, phone lines. Get a burner phone if you have to, to stay in contact with important loved ones. She no longer deserves or has any access to you. She doesn't deserve access to you anymore and that will really anger the crazy in her. Her supply has been cut off so get ready!
If she is trying to reach you and obsessively harasses you let her! She will try a workaround through your family and attempt to triangulate others into her drama. Just let her have her hey day and you steer clear. The crazier she looks the better off this behavior is for you in the long run. Isn't it great confirmation for you that she is out of her mind. If you ever questioned a Narcissist if they are crazy, just take away their supply. They will flip out in some way or another. And by the way, that is not your problem
WHY DO YOU LET HER HAVE THE MELTDOWN? Because you will have Given your family a prior heads up that you are leaving. Their standard response will be, “this is between the two of you and do not contact me again.”
If possible put a “do not to contact” in place. All correspondence will be communicated through a third party counsel with the exception of emergencies regarding your children which can be texted.
Then if she doesn’t take you seriously (Narcs will call relentlessly hundreds of times trying to get you to cave) then you call the police without fail. And then stick to it at all costs. There is nothing good that will come out of communicating with her - so stay NO CONTACT.
Then document the obsessive means of attempting contact as harassment if she continues to contact you or any of your family, etc… She will go to great lengths NOT to lose you as her main supply. I hate that for you but they will understand…. And respect you for it honestly. By that time you will have legal counsel in and her contacting anyone to FIGHT YOU BACK INTO THE TORTURE will look foolish and crazy on her behalf.
File a plenary restraining order against her especially if she has become violent. That is the way it Has to go. I know you don’t want to be so cold.. I know that really sucks but the law will protect you. Get fierce & confident. Keep your cool. Stay calm and FOLLOW THROUGH! There is nothing more important than fighting for yourself!
Everything you do that makes her squirm —-she enjoys it. Remember that Narcissists are sadists and they enjoy torturing you!
Remember that SHE HAS PHYSICALLY HARMED you and left bruises. If it helps you--- GET MAD AT THE ABUSE if you can't get mad at her.
And by the way, just so you know, you’re not the one who turned her into a narcissist either. HER ABUSE IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Don’t you believe in yourself as much as I believe in your ability to do this?
You are still young enough to build something really amazing on the other side. Your mind will be free to focus on what you want to do. Once you don't have to live with this fear and indecision of trying to stay or go — You have NO idea how much more life will be easily conquered once your mind is free!
Your memory loss -- if you have any -- will go away. You will become razor sharp focused because you’re not constantly being emotionally raped! Please know that Anything that you do will be successful after you leave the abuse. You are young enough to make a great life for yourself even after 60! Look at what you do now! Look at what you have endured. Without the crazy in your world, you are unstoppable! There is enough to go around for this second chance and YOU WILL BE AT PEACE.
When I left my Narc....Yes it really sucked for about a year. The healing time in that year will be your life force and the essence of who you will become. You will find strength in peace. I promise. One year in hell is worth the rest of your life of happiness… I promise you! And believe it or not. She will eventually show up unannounced and try to offer you sex. CALL THE COPS and stay no contact. Nothing will stop her from trying to lose you as her main supply.. NOTHING! Something that many forget to tell you.. Narcissists ALWAYS COME BACK. They could come back in 10 minutes or 10 years after you have permanently closed the book on them. Don't be fooled... it just means their main supply is waning and they are grasping at straws to get more supply through you!
Just remember – She’s the one that went to Jail . She’s the one that physically hit you several times. She’s the one who had you Leave the house barely dressed in the middle of a snowstorm. Normal people don’t do that kind of batshit crazy stuff. Don't even think that any of your behavior is worse than her abuse. Her abuse is what drove you to react. SHE STAYS because she loves the narcissistic supply you give her. If she ever confronts you and tries to get violent, keep your cool & call the law. She expects you to run to her with your tail tucked between your legs. You are not a coward… you are fearless and unstoppable, you are loved and capable and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS…
After the process is set in motion and you get used to staying no contact, you will start to see yourself change emotionally for the better. What kind of crazy P O S human would do that and force YOU into being a prisoner and threaten to kill you if you leave? Do you see how crazy that sounds? This is emotional blackmail, abuse and mental torture. To threaten you if you don’t stay is pure evil! Read that again and let that sink in.
And — she has already run you up a flagpole and down the other side to so many people that There’s nothing that she can tell anybody that “nobody already doesn’t know.” She will start the smear campaign. That is a given. But even that will eventually stop. The ppl that stay with you will be the ones who matter. Because the ones who matter don’t mind, and the one’s who mind don’t matter anyway. She wants you to believe you will be all alone..and you won’t be.
This is where to start. I know how it goes. You WILL come away with the assets and at peace without losing everything you own. Would you let me help you? Will you let me help you get unstuck? You have subtracted years off your life because you live in fear. The mental gymnastics you have to do to try to stay in her good graces (which is impossible no matter what) are out of control!
You’ve been to your own personal edge of insanity because of her abuse ….you’ve been close. I’ve seen it in your eyes. Standing by watching you stay abused, watching you cower & be afraid …be paranoid ..apologize for everything …have self esteem Sacked -- never being valued & respected, without some kind of recourse or underlying agenda, is just heartbreaking! I’m saying this because I want to see you, Happy.
You’re gonna have good days and you’re gonna have bad days with this process— and there’s some days that are really gonna suck and that you wished a lot of things were different. But it will come to an end.
The only way to get unstuck Is walk forward -because a journey of 1000 miles starts with one step. There’s another chance, someday soon. Shining like the Alabama moon. If you're looking for the promised land, It’s out beyond the lights of Birmingham.
So Whattayasay … ?? Will you Walk this Path and finally be free??