Going no contact from a Narcissist or an individual who has pathological narcissist traits will help prevent you from further emotional abuse.
You hear this all the time that you have to go no contact with your narcissistic abuser. I understand that you may love this person yet, and it's really difficult to go no contact (especially if your heart has not caught up with your head yet) on this whole idea that you need to be in silence with them.
Sounds Impossible doesn't it? Going no contact with the narcissist in your life that you still love? Here are the basics of going no contact & everything you need to know to keep yourself safe from further narcissistic and/or emotional abuse.
However it is very very important to understand that everything that comes out of the narcissist's mouth is all about supply. And remember that they will turn everything around on you and use it against you later to gaslight you. When they're done with you they will throw you away (maybe it's a mini-discard where they will return or the final discard and they are gone like the wind). As usual, narcissists will devalue, dismiss, discard, and deny.
You can't really fudge on this but I'm going to talk about some of the exceptions of breaking no contact later in this post. Ready or not, for your own mental health and sanity here is what no contact looks like.
- No phone calls or texting
- No contact via a third party
- Block them from all of your social media. And yes! I mean black them: not just unfriend them because they can get a third party to creep you on Facebook or social media outlets. Likely a narcissist won't bring in somebody else to creep you on social media (so that is why you have to block them).
- You can't stay friends with them. They weren't your friend to begin with.
- Make sure your anger doesn't get the best of you to plot revenge
- To get past the cravings to re-connect, think back on the times where the individual had called you names, gaslighted you, maybe sometimes physically hurt you, and that will hopefully get you over the hump of reaching back out.
- Stay busy. Staying busy will help you keep your mind off of things. Sometimes distraction is a good thing
- Remember that your goal is to be completely free. Reaching out to this person in the short term will destroy almost ALL of your progress. Stay emotionally sober!
- Also you have to believe no contact will work. Trust the process. If you don't believe in the process, then the process won't believe in you.
- Remember that you're dealing with a craving that gives an endorphin rush ifyou cave in. The anxiety is coming from a place of habituation. Practice good self-talk by asking yourself: what you are afraid of by not contacting them? Ask yoruself why you need to be treated poorly.
These are a few things that you can do to keep yourself emotionally safe. However I want to address the occasional reason why you would need to break no contact.
You have to be very very solid in yourself when you do. If you don't feel very solid in yourself when it's necessary to break no contact, you're really going to have to lean on some of the things that you have learned to get you through it.
The Terms in Which You Break No Contact
Sometimes you just have to communicate with your narcissist especially if you have children, legal issues and other things that you really just can't get past! When you do that you have to remember to be a Grey rock.
Joint custody, legal battles, selling of houses and assets, joint ownership in anything, and even the workplace sometimes will be reasons why you have to break no contact.
What if your narcissist is dying or going through something as traumatic as brain surgery? Breaking the silence depends on how you feel about managing the aftermath. You gotta be strong! And stay strong for yourself.
Maybe your narcissist is currently having a major health crisis and you were a part of that somewhere in your relationship with them. Sometimes you may have health information that your previous narcissist doesn't have or can't remember and whatnot. It's okay to be human in these situations but be sure that you don't get sucked back in and ramp everything back up to the way it used to be.
Please realize that Narcissists even at a stage of eminent death that you are still their supply. Once they get their supply from you they will run away or ignore you. It may feel like they really care because they're in desperate times! Death might be imminent or some major health issue might be causing them to be taken out of life for a while but don't be fooled. Narcissists typically almost never take life threatening situations as wake up call for changing their ways.
I know from experience that you will noodle it around in your head wondering if you should go no contact or not. If you have amazing resolve and understand that you are still only supply to them (they may have downgraded to an 8 on the scale of psychopathology while they are close to death), then carefully break the silence, If you feel emotionally safe to do so.
This act of compassion on your part may give them peace while you are getting validation they are still the same "narcissistic abuser" they always were. Don't go too far or too deep with them. You can be a "gray rock" and still be an "empath" even when the narcissist is dying!
Leave your personal life facts out of the picture. Exercise your compassion, good judgment, share the knowledge as much as possible but as little as necessary and then go back to being a little gray rock and exit their lives.
Keep your guard up and your head held high. In the interactions you have with the narcissist in this situation, you may even get more validation that leaving them was the best thing since sliced bread! You may further learn too that breaking no contact in this situation and then going back to no contact is awesome self love: and you have come a long way since you have left them. Are you on a great path of separation and staying away.
It takes a very very strong person to do this so if you don't feel like you're ready even in eminent death, please check in with your closest friends to talk about it. They will be your emotional checkpoint to be sure that you're strong enough to be able to have stay the course and not get sucked back into their web of abuse. In some cases, it's ok to bring someone with you if you have mutual friends. I hate that it could create triangulation but emotional safety at this point is of utmost importance.
Breaking your silence is really more for your edification than your narcissist's edification. You will be thriving and happy and offering information that is vital to their end of life. You may even have them thinking that you have made amends. And regardless if you are their supply or not to give them a peaceful ending with empathy is showing dignity and humanity.
We often forget that Narcissists will NEVER be aware that they behave the way they do. In the end, if you forgive them for that which they do not know what they are doing, that is a beautiful thing.
I also know from experience that when a narcissist is dying or they feel like they are brushing up against death, they are going to love bomb you like crazy.
Hopefully you'll be wise enough to understand that they are doing this to try and suck you back in even as they are dying. Because they have never lived a life of authenticity! I'm going to say it again! They have never lived a life of authenticity! Everything has been a false front even up until their last breath and you are supply.
What's really crazy is that no one else will see it but you. No one else will ever see the fact that they abused you or you have a different understanding of how they treated the world and how they treated people. And if you told others who knew them, they wouldn't believe you. Stay true to the truth and yourself.
You are now set apart in your awareness of narcissistic behavior and at this point, not to be revengeful or cruel, in your awareness you will find peace as they transition from this life to the next.
You'll also get confirmation that your narcissist is still a narcissist because they may discard you the next day and blow you off! Well, they got their fix, didn't they?! Hopefully you are recovered enough to realize that it garners a chuckle rather than frustration, annoyance, or anger.
The dying narcissist is a different situation. As an "empath" I understand your humanity: I understand that you want to perhaps send compassion to this monster. It's kind of like how compassion was shown to Frankenstein. You can have compassion with a monster but that doesn't mean you have to continue to be around them after you have said your peace.
When the narcissist finally passes away, you will stand strong in your awareness with the understanding that you offered compassion peace and love throughout the entire relationship. And even in the worst of times you were able to do that until their last breath. They will still die a narcissist, but you won't die with them as a victim of abuse anymore. It's time to breathe a sigh of relief that they are finally at peace from their own psychological torture and you are no longer apartheid to it either.
Future Blog Post: What You Feel After Your Narcissist Passes Away