Narcissistic Abuse: How bad is (S)he
Where is all this narcissism coming from? Seems like there is an “all of a sudden” epidemic, doesn’t it? Narcissism wasn’t hardly discussed as little as 20 years ago. Mental health issues came with a stigma and mental health issues were taboo in culture. 50 years ago, mental health issues were swept under the rug. Meanwhile 40 years ago narcissistic personality disorder was almost impossible to identify and attach to individuals with those characteristics. The criterion for narcissism wasn’t defined and most often misunderstood. Personality disorders were also taboo in their discussion of them. And Narcissistic Personality Disorder was “out” there and something to be “scared” of. Briefly, personality disorders are characterological. This is a mental health condition defined by consistent and durable patterns of inner experience and behavior that are earmarked by the delineation from normative culture, leading to dysfunctional behavior impairment in social, personal and occupational settings.
Narcissism as an epidemic has been garnering more and more attention in recent years.
The problem with the spotlight being on narcissism and the people attached to it… many have no clue as to what true narcissism is. This label has become a buzzword and has attached itself to every person who has a self inflated sense entitlement.
First of all I want to apologize for those people that have no clue about what true violent narcissistic abuse truly is. In my own experience, those who threw the word around like snow falling from the sky would trigger me. Their carelessness of their understanding would upset me! I would sit in the stew of true narcissistic abuse and feel alone and afraid while others who had no clue throwing that word around like they knew what they were talking about. Amiright?
Even the words to describe narcissism to an accurate enth degree is troublesome. There are no words for the violent narcissist who rapes his victim, stares at them with the blackest eyes on the planet with a knife in their hand. There are no words to capture that feeling of despair. And for that reason, I am inspired to “hear and you see you accurately” by putting the severity scale out here and properly label the abuser in your life.
Narcissism has always been present in society. Many of you know how the word Narcissist came into being. And if not, I will try to succinctly tell the sad story of Narcissus and Echo. You are playing the Role of Echo trying to find your voice. Narcissus’ origins will also tell you how your own abuser came to be abusive. This is over simplified in some ways but perfect in others.
The Greek Poet tells us the story: Narcissus was born beautiful to a River God and a beautiful nymph. The prophecy over Narcissus' life was that he would reach an old age if he never recognized himself. Narcissus knew he was the most beautiful of all the universe. He was shown favoritism growing up. He was played as the favorite. The doting parents are always reinforcing his Greek Godlike status. Narcissus became entitled and never ever returned any favor to those who love him. He manipulated his circumstances to keep the attention coming. And in his failure to recognize himself and to manipulate his lovers and followers, he continued on into this state of mind. Until……Echo came into the picture
Echo was a nymph whose fate was destined to only repeat the sounds and last words of others. The poor dear would fall in love with Narcissus just like all the rest. She followed him through the woods and sadly could not speak… Her frustration was overwhelming. She felt so sad and alone and invalidated that she could not be heard, seen and feel the love that she gave him with all of her heart.
“Finally” she said. Narcissus tried to call Echo. And the only thing Echo could do was repeat his call. Narcissus thought her to be equally as beautiful and wanted to charm her into his world. He cried out, “Echo, where are you?” She returned with the reply, “Echo, where are you?” even though in her head she was thinking, “I’m right over here.” She was so frustrated that she was able to find Echo and without any words tried to hold him. Narcissus rejected her and Echo ran to hide. He thought she was beautiful anyway and wanted her affection.
Narcissus looked and looked and nowhere was she to be seen. Echo’s body then wasted away while she held that torch and pined for him. She then is now forever hiding in forest, the leaves and caves of the world. Her body is gone but her bones became rocks. Her voice remains and can be heard but can never be seen or taken seriously. She is mocked often at the peaks of canyons and mountains. And Narcissus laughs with those who mock her. No one believes that Echo even existed because the only thing she can do is repeat anyone’s last words.
Since Narcissus denied everyone his love and showed no mercy, the gods fated that Narcissus could ever have anything he loved. And being the self entitled jerk that called out…. Echo would see him when he hollered at the top of his lungs in the forest, “I love you” which would echo back as “I love you”. He fell into the trap of his own admiration.
One day while hunting, he came upon a pool of water to get a drink. When he went to take a drink, he fell in love with his own reflection reflected back at him from the water. He tried to grab the image he saw and couldn’t..which made him more infatuated with himself. Crazy in love with himself, Narcissus stayed by the water and wasted away. Echo witnessed this and returned to see him wasting away. Every time Narcissus would say farewell to his reflection, she echoed his words.
The love of Echo’s life was destroyed. She always came back to him. No matter how much she was mocked, hurt and no matter what he said. Echo always had a fear of expressing herself and suppressing her feelings. Echoism is a new coined phrase and personality trait characterized by fear of attention to obtain love and approval.
Right now you are Echoist and cannot find your voice. There are levels of Echoism in individuals who are victims of Narc Abuse as much as there are levels of severity of Narcissism in those who embody those psychopathic traits.
Several factors contribute to the rise of narcissism in modern day culture. Facebook was launched in 2004. Before social media, individuals may have experienced narcissism in a manner in which wasn’t as severe. However her are some contributing factors as to why Narcissistic Abuse is on the Rise and the perception of Narcissism as an epidemic
All the World’s a Stage isn’t it. Back in the 70’s the rock group “Rush” wrote the best lyrics to describe this phenomenon of this song title. The lyrics are this:
Living on a lighted stage,
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality beyond the gilded cage
Cast in this unlikely role
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers to keep oneself intact
Living in the limelight, the universal dream
For those who wish to seem
Those who wish to be, must put aside the alienation
Get on with the fascination
The real relation, the underlying theme
Living in a fisheye lens
Caught in the camera eye
I have no heart to lie
I can't pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend
Social media platforms are a large culprit in emboldening the idea of self importance. At any moment in time you can be the star of your own personal show. Seeking validation through the amount of “likes”, comments and followers.
The reward center in the brain is a powerful thing. We have four chemicals in our brains that drive our mood. One of them is the “happy” chemical called oxytocin. Just like rats who are rewarded with food for good behavior become motivated to figure out the maze to reach the reward. Oxytocin is released in the brain making them feel better. Same with the Narcissist. This basic behavior modification is emphasized with each validation they get on their own personal stage.
The reward generated by social interactions is foremost important in pro and anti-social behaviors creating levels of severity in Narcissism. Couples with upbringing and genetics came to create a violent narcissistic person. Using depravity and reward in childhood is the perfect storm for creating the abusive narc in the world.
This is where the levels of severity come from. I’m giving all the credit to Dr Craig Malkin who I hold in high esteem as a colleague and author of “Rethinking Narcissism” as he is the guru on the variance and levels of severity of Narcissism. I completely agree with his analysis in regard to the ideology that Narcissism is not black and white. It’s not like you either are a Narc or not a Narc. There are levels of severity and we ALL can be on the scale at one point of our lives.
However, being the victim of the abuse, you are the Echoist. Malkin's Narcissism Spectrum Model, offers you a rough sense of where you fall on the spectrum.
The scale of Narcissistic Severity is on a scale from 1 to 10. Being a “10” on Malkin’s scale indicates complete psychopathological narcissism with full blown malignant narcissism dishing out abuse is the norm. And violence abuse is common at this level.
Most people who are neither Narcs or Echoists sit at a “5” on the scale. They have a healthy balance of self confidence with enough humility and empathy to appreciate others. Their relationships are balanced and they have a good understanding of who they are and are able to love others as they love themselves.
If you are a “4” on the scales, you may be having the occasional bad day and feel poorly about yourself but end up snapping out of it when life or the bad day passes.
Anything below a “4” on the scale promotes co-dependency behavior and being a “1” is utter loss of self.
On the converse side … sitting at a “6” on the spectrum indicates that you may feel a little bit proud of yourself. And that’s ok. You feel proud about a job promotion or something that you may have done well. But you still hold others as a part of the overall “team” for your life success. You may stay sitting at a “6” for a while as you walk on cloud 9 for this accomplishment but come back down when the feeling wears off. You feel good about yourself in a balanced way..
Sitting at a “7” on the scale. I like to joke and say that most artists, musicians and writers always stay at this level. LOL! Nonetheless… this is the gray area where Narc behavior is somewhat noticed but not completely recognized by other people.
If a person is an “8”, others may want to start running away. As the red flags for classic narcissism are apparent enough to warrant cutting off all contact.
At a “9” Run like hell and “10” run like hell like your hair's on fire.
At the bottom of this post is a diagram for the severity spectrum
Sadly the older narcissists become, the worse that they get! Women narcissists will however, use other means of "coervice control" than men. They will manipulate and be more sneaky than male Narcs. They will use emotional black mail most commonly to seek out and destroy their victims.
Love love love this diagram that puts the levels in perspective. Giving Kudos to these authors for perfecting this artwork for explanation. Published in Personality and Social Psychology Review 2018 The Narcissism Spectrum Model: A Synthetic View of Narcissistic Personality
