Every once in a while the pathological narcissist in your life catches on that you are trying to pull away. For some reason if you have decided to label them "a narcissist", Google will be their friend. They will look up what a narcissist is or start asking questions and then all of a sudden they are labeling you as a narcissist in their ploy of manipulation. I hate when that happens! And that happens often! Please Don't gaslight yourself, though. They are still trying to pass the buck and gaslight you into believing that you are the narcissist and the abuser.
If you wonder if you are a narcissist, that's pretty common when you are trying to cut one out of your life. So how can you tell if you aren't in the pathological range of narcissism in your own life? Take this into consideration.
Narcissists lack empathy. They just don't give a damn about you what so ever. That is the tell tale sign that you are not a narcissist. You have a genuine sense of care for others. You have other people's best interest at heart while in a relationship with them.
You are not a narcissist if you are open to feedback. Remember if you disagree with a a narcissist, they dismiss, devalue and discard your opinion. They will accuse you of being the crazy one and abusive. They will blast you into oblivion if you question their reality that you are absurd and abusive.
You are not a narcissist if you feel that you are not perfect and you are open to feedback. Narcissists can't handle feedback or are capable of problem solving skills that reflect empathy, compassion, love and collaboration in problem solving skills.
If you have healthy relationships with other people but not with a narcissist, you probably aren't one. This aspect of not being a narcissist is interesting because narcissists are so adept at being fake with other people. Deep down, however, narcissists have troubled relationships at their core. Individuals with healthy esteem have support and fulfilling relationships with meaningful connective conversations.
Narcissists never hold themselves accountable in most situations. They lack a sense of responsibility for their actions as they believe they are always right. Individuals with a healthy self esteem will hold themselves accountable if they have inadvertently hurt a friend or partner. The words "I'm sorry" rarely come out of the narcissist's mouth. And if they are uttered, be careful for an ulterior motive.
Are you humble? If you are, you most likely are not a narcissist. Narcissists believe they are self-aggrandizing individuals who feel in their hearts they are better than other people. If you can look in the mirror and recognize that no one is perfect and everyone has their own set of strengths and weaknesses, you can bet you are not a narcissist.
Narcissists lack respect for other people because they see people as objects! Non narcissists respect others and meet then where they are and accept them "as is." Narcissists will want to disrespect a person and who they are at their core and try to mold them into a person that is more "agreeable" for them.
The opposite of being a narcissist is being an "echo-ist". Let's go back to the story of Narcissus to begin with. The story of Narcissus is easier to understand. But Echo, poor dear, she has a tragic ending. Both are intertwined into narcissistic abuse.
First meet the mythological Narcissus. The Nymph Liriope was his mother. When she went to Tiresias, who was a fortune teller, he said that he would have a long life, provided that he never recognized himself. As Narcissus grew into a strong young lad, due to his amazing looks, the ladies flocked around him. One caught his eye by the name of Echo (also a nymph). She fell madly in love with him...but he wasn't into her, at all. Echo has a beautiful singing voice. Once she realizes her love is unrequited, she pines for him until she withers away and only her beautiful voice is left. Echoes parents weren't pleased. Her parents were friends with some mighty Gods of the day...and that drew vengeance upon Narcissus. Echo would call out for Narcissus. But he was never able to find her. He could hear her, but never see her. Echo was only doing what she know how to do. Call to her loved one. Eventually Narcissus followed her voice to that fateful day when it lead him to a pond. Narcissus goes to the pond and bends down to follow the voice....and sees his reflection in the pool. Thinking that "this must be the lovely voice that I am following" saw his reflection in the water and falls hopelessly in love.. with himself. He bends down to kiss his reflection, falls into the water and drowns. Echo remains in the forest now forever hiding among the leaves and trees. And she is the Echo in the forest when a mortal hollers out into the great beyond.
Can you relate to Echo? In the world of Narcissistic Abuse, the opposite of a Narcissist is an Echoist. Many years ago I started to write the book called "the Echoist: Targets of Emotional Rape" but didn't finish it. I sure wish I had now! Because the concept of being an echoist is all over the place in the world of narcissistic abuse.
What is an Echoist? More than likely that is you! Being an Echoist is a high compliment. Because you are able to practice empathy, love, compassion and put your needs before others. If you are an "super-echoist" then you are co-dependently attached to others where you have no boundaries and are easily hooked into co-dependent relationships where you give too much, love too hard, have way too much empathy to the point where it is hurting you (Gray, 2012).
Do you have a fear of praise, have an excessive focus on others? Do you neglect your own needs and suppress your own desires? Are you a "yes man" and hyper-critical of yourself and say you're sorry all the time? Do you hate attention and want to get out of the limelight and think of yourself as an imposter? Those are Tell Tale signs that you are an Echoist, the mirror opposite of a Narcissist.
Echoists are also in fear of being perceived as a narcissist in many cases. These individuals work to prevent any actions to be sure not to be perceived as one. They are super careful and choose their words. Ironically, they are so afraid of hurting someone, they can come off as self-absorbed. More than likely Echoists are more "up inside their heads" than self-absorbed or arrogant.
So when the narcissist tries to call you out on being a narcissist. You're probably not anywhere close to being one. If you practice empathy and understanding in a genuine fashion, breathe a sigh or relief and take their accusation with a grain of salt.
But even better, if you can.. practice your own empathy and go sit under a rock! A Big Grey Rock, until it's safe to come out again.