I don’t blame you for still loving them either.
When the relationship finally ends - there is going to be an emotional fall-out. The longer the relationship you had with your Narcissist, the worse it will be. Getting hung up in the memories made and the time involved is normal. Memories and the time you had with this person is not what has defined your relationship. Those are secondary to the abuse that you suffered. Somehow, while we are in the midst of trying to leave, we think differently. You can keep the memories… and do so FAR away from the narcissist who you left. The time spent, 10, 20, 30 years.. You will, and I promise you, eventually wonder: “How the hell did I stay for so long and why didn’t I leave sooner?”
Remember, every single thing that comes out of your mouth was “supply” to them. I will probably say this a thousand times and then a million more. Everything you did together, the memories you made, the time you spent and even the love you shared was a twisted way for the Narcissist to get their fix for their addiction by garnering your love and support.
Profound sadness is the first emotion that will really take root. In codependency, deep sadness on top of the usual grief that comes as the end of a relationship will be magnified. You don’t want to lose this person, but yet for your own sanity you have to leave. It’s hard for your heart to catch up to what you know is good for you. Sadness can grip you quite tightly and trigger emotions of deep grief. Feel those feelings out loud with those who truly have your best interests at heart. Your narcissist will continue to try and “hoover” you back into the relationship and console you. Don’t be fooled. If you have been isolated and have nowhere to turn, turn to a counselor if you can. If you can’t afford a counselor, then join the millions of groups out there online that will help you through it. Those are free.
I promise you even though you may feel like you are completely alone in this process, you’re not.
Also at the end of this relationship a secondary emotion is wicked pissed off anger to the point of Rage.
After I left my narcissist, I had intense rage and anger. During the relationship I could see it build. The hidden rage and anger turned me into someone who was short with people, unhappy and unpleasant to be around at times. In hindsight, and right now, please understand that this anger and rage is displaced. It’s because you have hidden and choked down your feelings for so long that anger and rage is a by-product of being emotionally manipulated and invalidated for so long.
Perhaps you are past the anger stage to the point where you are numb. You still care about your narcissist but you’re so numb that you have forgotten how to feel your feelings. Having had years of manipulation and gaslighting, you may isolate yourself which can make depression and sadness worse.
Who can blame you? You don’t want to get hurt again! I know you want to try and not to feel so out of place. Sometimes you want everyone to go away because you don’t trust them. Hiding out never hurts you but hiding out from being social forever isn’t good for you either. Find a balance and force yourself to be social in situations that you feel are emotionally safe for you.
PTSD also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will be complex when dealing with an emotional hangover from abuse. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined myself as an accomplished domestic violence counselor experiencing PTSD. I knew about it theoretically but didn’t understand completely until I LIVED it in the aftermath of the abuse. By the way, one of these posts, I will talk about the ex narcissist in my life and how I had a relationship with one (catching me off guard).
Anyway, I was so “not myself” that the PTSD that I experienced was interesting. I would apologize for everything, cower if someone jokingly was horsing around with me, be paranoid that the “other shoe would drop” with people I trusted and generally wanted to isolate “until further notice.” I was flinchy, over-personalized everything directed at me. What I needed were friends who role modeled unconditional love and respect.
The rage I experienced was raw and real. Thankfully with a professional I was able to determine that my rage was only anger. Some of you will experience rage in the aftermath but it is really masking depression.
The emotional hangover will feel like someone has died. It’s a process. Some days you will grieve deeply and some days you will be angry about it. Some days you will be numb. But the overwhelming sadness will linger. You will think about them, and think of them ALOT at first.
The biggest part of the emotional hangover that you absolutely need to overcome is the urge to contact them again. When those emotional attacks distress you with that urge, come up with a plan to redirect that urge to do something else healthy and supportive for yourself. Whatever you can do to steer clear of them, DO NOT CONTACT THEM.
My “go to” when I would get the urge to contact him again, I called to mind all the abusive awful things he said to me. And I also recall him holding me up against a wall with his hands on my throat telling me I was ugly in a drunken rage. He had me so handfast up against that wall that he spit on me when his words of rage came from his mouth. I would dwell on the feelings of invalidation and hurt that he caused me. And that would be enough to stay the hell away from him and not succumb to the urge. Whatever it takes that helps you avoid the urge do it. But DO NOT substitute another unhealthy coping mechanism to help you through it (or worse, another addiction).
You may want to seek revenge. But that won’t work either. Revenge may make you feel better in the short term. Remember that Narcissists don't give a rat’s ass about you. So any attempt for revenge will be like nailing jello to a tree or herding cats.
Never ask why either. Asking yourself why this happened will be a chase after the wind. I know it’s crazy difficult to understand someone who professed to “love you” could treat you so entirely without any empathy. Never ask “why did they do that to me”?. Or “how can they rationalize doing that to me.”? Or “what happened in their past that made them abuse me.” ?
You will never get answers to those questions and wondering why will only drive you to more anxiety and pain. Catch yourself when you are going down that path and redirect those questions: When you want to ask “why’. Ask yourself instead,”What can I do for myself today that will help me move forward in the aftermath of abuse”. If you are wondering “how” , ask yourself “how can I love myself better today instead of dwelling on a person who abuses me.” Take those moments of “asking why” and turn them into positive self care. That may take a little practice but in time, you will get the hang of it.
Getting unstuck is getting unstuck. And what I mean by that is: don’t get stuck over-thinking about all the horrible things they did to you. Don’t obsess on the pain.
You have plenty of pain and fear to process. As with any process, recovering from narcissistic abuse can take several YEARS. Having lived under the same roof with one for so long, I understand that “undoing this ball of string” for emotional healing will take as long as it takes.
No longer being emotionally accessible to your narcissist is gonna take huge amounts of strength and tenacity. If you don’t make a clean emotional break and keep no contact going, you will most likely go back for more abuse.
With the emotional hangover, codependent love comes with the dangers of withdrawal symptoms. You are used to abuse as a way of life. Anything other than what you have been experiencing for so long will leave your craving for the “old way of life.” This is the hardest part. Because the obsessive longing for your narcissist is real. The struggle is so real combined with trying to hoover you back into the relationship is why so many people go back over and over again.
STOP IT!
The cravings to be with them are as strong as a heroine addict wanting to find their daily fix. It’s harder to stop loving a narcissist than it is to quit heroin or smoking.
Expect to feel completely taken out by the emotions you are experiencing. This emotional response is sometimes so powerful that you will “gaslight yourself” into thinking “IF I JUST TRY HARDER” or “it’s not ALL that bad.”
Another aspect of the emotional hangover is an insane tolerance to emotional pain. This will work for you in the long term. But while you are healing, you might have to watch yourself to be sure you practice empathy enough in your own “new way of life”. Most people who have experienced narcissistic abuse have emotional skin as thick as a hippopotamus hide and bullet proof armor. You had to develop it in order to survive. Little insults from outside sources are nothing compared to what you have experienced. Your SHELL that you have created around you has been deeply installed as a coping mechanism.
This coping mechanism when you are healed though, will come in handy as you try to preserve your peace and sanity.
Your next challenge is to internalize that you have severe self loathing and hate for yourself. I know Narcissists are the best at abuse you like chinese water torture and your erosion of yourself is a slow and steady pace into torture. When you accept that the way you treat yourself is the reason why you stayed for so long, you will better resist the craving to go back into the torture.
Triggers! You will be triggered to feel some of the same emotions that you felt with your narcissist in everyday situations. Understand what triggers your emotions. Every last one of them. Understand what triggers joy, happiness, sadness, anger, rage and lack of empathy. You won’t want to get rid of these emotions but understand them. Triggers are meant to help us even though they might make us feel uncomfortable.
I’ve always said in all these posts that this is really going to suck and hurt like hell. It’s temporary. The temporary pain of healing from the abuse will be worth your long term peace.
The best part of leaving and the emotional hangover is:
That phrase “hurt people hurt people” is so overused (by the way I hate that phrase)! I bring it up here because on the contrary, happy people love happy people. Find your joy with a few happy people who you trust and build relationships with those people who don’t exploit your emotions. You will probably discard a lot of friendships and lose the ones you had when you were with your narcissist. The friends who saw your partner as a crazy narcissist, will stand by you and cheer you on!
Lastly a few things to remember on those days when you feel like caving in
Emotional hangovers are a part of life and they happen regularly throughout a person’s life. However, some emotional hangovers are larger than others. And recovering from Narcissistic Abuse can be a doozy to manage. You will be successful if you understand what happens when you are having a bad day from recovery and know how to implement the coping mechanisms to get past the urges to reconnect with your abuser. You are your own priority now…and nothing can stop you. I truly care about how you are doing and even though, dear reader, I don’t know who you are, I send empathy for I have walked in your shoes. If it helps you, you can share your story to others who are willing to listen. And you can always email me to share yours with me or have other questions about Narcissistic Abuse.
You got this! This may take awhile. The good thing about hangovers though is the fact that once you have had a really bad one, I can almost guarantee you won’t “drink from that well” ever again!
Stay strong, peace out and go get em’ tigers. Your future is right in front of you and I am proud that you are leaving that abuser in the dust as you move forward in loving yourself. They never deserved your empathy and love to begin with!
Remember, every single thing that comes out of your mouth was “supply” to them. I will probably say this a thousand times and then a million more. Everything you did together, the memories you made, the time you spent and even the love you shared was a twisted way for the Narcissist to get their fix for their addiction by garnering your love and support.
Profound sadness is the first emotion that will really take root. In codependency, deep sadness on top of the usual grief that comes as the end of a relationship will be magnified. You don’t want to lose this person, but yet for your own sanity you have to leave. It’s hard for your heart to catch up to what you know is good for you. Sadness can grip you quite tightly and trigger emotions of deep grief. Feel those feelings out loud with those who truly have your best interests at heart. Your narcissist will continue to try and “hoover” you back into the relationship and console you. Don’t be fooled. If you have been isolated and have nowhere to turn, turn to a counselor if you can. If you can’t afford a counselor, then join the millions of groups out there online that will help you through it. Those are free.
I promise you even though you may feel like you are completely alone in this process, you’re not.
Also at the end of this relationship a secondary emotion is wicked pissed off anger to the point of Rage.
After I left my narcissist, I had intense rage and anger. During the relationship I could see it build. The hidden rage and anger turned me into someone who was short with people, unhappy and unpleasant to be around at times. In hindsight, and right now, please understand that this anger and rage is displaced. It’s because you have hidden and choked down your feelings for so long that anger and rage is a by-product of being emotionally manipulated and invalidated for so long.
Perhaps you are past the anger stage to the point where you are numb. You still care about your narcissist but you’re so numb that you have forgotten how to feel your feelings. Having had years of manipulation and gaslighting, you may isolate yourself which can make depression and sadness worse.
Who can blame you? You don’t want to get hurt again! I know you want to try and not to feel so out of place. Sometimes you want everyone to go away because you don’t trust them. Hiding out never hurts you but hiding out from being social forever isn’t good for you either. Find a balance and force yourself to be social in situations that you feel are emotionally safe for you.
PTSD also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will be complex when dealing with an emotional hangover from abuse. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined myself as an accomplished domestic violence counselor experiencing PTSD. I knew about it theoretically but didn’t understand completely until I LIVED it in the aftermath of the abuse. By the way, one of these posts, I will talk about the ex narcissist in my life and how I had a relationship with one (catching me off guard).
Anyway, I was so “not myself” that the PTSD that I experienced was interesting. I would apologize for everything, cower if someone jokingly was horsing around with me, be paranoid that the “other shoe would drop” with people I trusted and generally wanted to isolate “until further notice.” I was flinchy, over-personalized everything directed at me. What I needed were friends who role modeled unconditional love and respect.
The rage I experienced was raw and real. Thankfully with a professional I was able to determine that my rage was only anger. Some of you will experience rage in the aftermath but it is really masking depression.
The emotional hangover will feel like someone has died. It’s a process. Some days you will grieve deeply and some days you will be angry about it. Some days you will be numb. But the overwhelming sadness will linger. You will think about them, and think of them ALOT at first.
The biggest part of the emotional hangover that you absolutely need to overcome is the urge to contact them again. When those emotional attacks distress you with that urge, come up with a plan to redirect that urge to do something else healthy and supportive for yourself. Whatever you can do to steer clear of them, DO NOT CONTACT THEM.
My “go to” when I would get the urge to contact him again, I called to mind all the abusive awful things he said to me. And I also recall him holding me up against a wall with his hands on my throat telling me I was ugly in a drunken rage. He had me so handfast up against that wall that he spit on me when his words of rage came from his mouth. I would dwell on the feelings of invalidation and hurt that he caused me. And that would be enough to stay the hell away from him and not succumb to the urge. Whatever it takes that helps you avoid the urge do it. But DO NOT substitute another unhealthy coping mechanism to help you through it (or worse, another addiction).
You may want to seek revenge. But that won’t work either. Revenge may make you feel better in the short term. Remember that Narcissists don't give a rat’s ass about you. So any attempt for revenge will be like nailing jello to a tree or herding cats.
Never ask why either. Asking yourself why this happened will be a chase after the wind. I know it’s crazy difficult to understand someone who professed to “love you” could treat you so entirely without any empathy. Never ask “why did they do that to me”?. Or “how can they rationalize doing that to me.”? Or “what happened in their past that made them abuse me.” ?
You will never get answers to those questions and wondering why will only drive you to more anxiety and pain. Catch yourself when you are going down that path and redirect those questions: When you want to ask “why’. Ask yourself instead,”What can I do for myself today that will help me move forward in the aftermath of abuse”. If you are wondering “how” , ask yourself “how can I love myself better today instead of dwelling on a person who abuses me.” Take those moments of “asking why” and turn them into positive self care. That may take a little practice but in time, you will get the hang of it.
Getting unstuck is getting unstuck. And what I mean by that is: don’t get stuck over-thinking about all the horrible things they did to you. Don’t obsess on the pain.
You have plenty of pain and fear to process. As with any process, recovering from narcissistic abuse can take several YEARS. Having lived under the same roof with one for so long, I understand that “undoing this ball of string” for emotional healing will take as long as it takes.
No longer being emotionally accessible to your narcissist is gonna take huge amounts of strength and tenacity. If you don’t make a clean emotional break and keep no contact going, you will most likely go back for more abuse.
With the emotional hangover, codependent love comes with the dangers of withdrawal symptoms. You are used to abuse as a way of life. Anything other than what you have been experiencing for so long will leave your craving for the “old way of life.” This is the hardest part. Because the obsessive longing for your narcissist is real. The struggle is so real combined with trying to hoover you back into the relationship is why so many people go back over and over again.
STOP IT!
You are the only one who can stop that obsessive thinking and craving to go back. The Narcissist wants you back because they want their supply house back. You are not a person to them.
The cravings to be with them are as strong as a heroine addict wanting to find their daily fix. It’s harder to stop loving a narcissist than it is to quit heroin or smoking.
Expect to feel completely taken out by the emotions you are experiencing. This emotional response is sometimes so powerful that you will “gaslight yourself” into thinking “IF I JUST TRY HARDER” or “it’s not ALL that bad.”
YES IT WAS ALL THAT BAD!
Another aspect of the emotional hangover is an insane tolerance to emotional pain. This will work for you in the long term. But while you are healing, you might have to watch yourself to be sure you practice empathy enough in your own “new way of life”. Most people who have experienced narcissistic abuse have emotional skin as thick as a hippopotamus hide and bullet proof armor. You had to develop it in order to survive. Little insults from outside sources are nothing compared to what you have experienced. Your SHELL that you have created around you has been deeply installed as a coping mechanism.
This coping mechanism when you are healed though, will come in handy as you try to preserve your peace and sanity.
Your next challenge is to internalize that you have severe self loathing and hate for yourself. I know Narcissists are the best at abuse you like chinese water torture and your erosion of yourself is a slow and steady pace into torture. When you accept that the way you treat yourself is the reason why you stayed for so long, you will better resist the craving to go back into the torture.
Triggers! You will be triggered to feel some of the same emotions that you felt with your narcissist in everyday situations. Understand what triggers your emotions. Every last one of them. Understand what triggers joy, happiness, sadness, anger, rage and lack of empathy. You won’t want to get rid of these emotions but understand them. Triggers are meant to help us even though they might make us feel uncomfortable.
I’ve always said in all these posts that this is really going to suck and hurt like hell. It’s temporary. The temporary pain of healing from the abuse will be worth your long term peace.
The best part of leaving and the emotional hangover is:
- You no longer will have to walk on eggshells
- You can feel whatever you like to feel.
- No more paranoia about you being gone too long, being accused of being with other people, not doing anything “right”
- You won’t have to justify anything anymore
- Apologize for being who you are
- Be the blame for everything
- Be humiliated at public events
- You will get validation regarding your feelings
- No More emotionally exhausting and draining conflicts
Every step you take away from the relationship, the hangover will subside. Every day the immense relief will drive your motivation to stay gone (but it will suck at times). Your commitment to this process of loving yourself and being really kind will lessen the desire to yoke yourself to a completely crazy abuser!
That phrase “hurt people hurt people” is so overused (by the way I hate that phrase)! I bring it up here because on the contrary, happy people love happy people. Find your joy with a few happy people who you trust and build relationships with those people who don’t exploit your emotions. You will probably discard a lot of friendships and lose the ones you had when you were with your narcissist. The friends who saw your partner as a crazy narcissist, will stand by you and cheer you on!
Lastly a few things to remember on those days when you feel like caving in
- When you find yourself obsessing over the relationship and start getting mired in sadness, change the mantra inside your head and repeat over and over that “I am worthy and these sad feelings won’t last. Tell yourself that you will get past this and validate those feelings but just don't “live” in that head space.
- You can be proud of yourself that you left.
- Invest in your future by understanding abuse.
- Take a break from any relationship that will jeopardize your progress and recovery.
- Get comfortable being by yourself and learn how to enjoy things on your own.
- When you are feeling intense feelings, ask yourself the question, “What are these intense feelings REALLY about?”
- Understand that you were meant for more than abuse and you deserve healthy love in all the relationships that surround you.
- Every day let go of the relationship one little piece at a time.
- Forgive your narcissist but don’t forget. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.
- Learn to trust yourself.. Your Gut feeling is never wrong.
Emotional hangovers are a part of life and they happen regularly throughout a person’s life. However, some emotional hangovers are larger than others. And recovering from Narcissistic Abuse can be a doozy to manage. You will be successful if you understand what happens when you are having a bad day from recovery and know how to implement the coping mechanisms to get past the urges to reconnect with your abuser. You are your own priority now…and nothing can stop you. I truly care about how you are doing and even though, dear reader, I don’t know who you are, I send empathy for I have walked in your shoes. If it helps you, you can share your story to others who are willing to listen. And you can always email me to share yours with me or have other questions about Narcissistic Abuse.
You got this! This may take awhile. The good thing about hangovers though is the fact that once you have had a really bad one, I can almost guarantee you won’t “drink from that well” ever again!
Stay strong, peace out and go get em’ tigers. Your future is right in front of you and I am proud that you are leaving that abuser in the dust as you move forward in loving yourself. They never deserved your empathy and love to begin with!